Fincastle, VA
December 14, 2013 12:01 am
"And I've had it better than some and I know that I shouldn't complain, though my grandfather told me once that all pain hurts the same."
-Langhorne Slim, Back to the Wild
The last entry I wrote to myself in my log was Friday afternoon just before I attempted a short nap before heading with the crew over to Camp Bethel for the dinner and race briefing that precedes the midnight start of Hellgate ended with this, "You have done pain and suffering before, you do not have to do this everyday but you have to do it today." If only I hadn't forgotten this when night finally came around.
The pre-race festivities were rather enjoyable, lots of familiar friendly faces at the dinner, none seemingly so nervous as myself but Blake even commented to me that I didn't look my usual tormented self. Of course, I believed that I had fretted enough about the weather for the fear of it to finally be behind me. There was quite a bit of shop talk after the race briefing: pants vs. shorts, type of gloves or mittens, the performance of an outer shell. However, by 10 pm most of the group had dispersed to dress or try and snag a last short nap.
I didn't feel particularly nervous, I was honestly pretty confident at that point that I could finish and was feeling that the weather may not even end up being so bad. I realized how much I still had left to do when it was time to head towards the start and Kevin graciously gave me the front seat of the suburban. We were tightly packed with seven people and enough pre, during and post run gear that there wasn't much room to budge. I took my two Pepto Bismol tablets and drank a little water.
The group of 130+ runners and their crews caravan to the start of Hellgate every year. The few minutes between arriving and the start of the race is usually spent with smiles and picture taking, bathroom trips and last minute gear adjustments. I did my best to not think about what we were actually getting ready to do. I packed my vest and my borrowed Nathan pack (thanks Alissa Keith) with fuel: raisins, granola bars, peanut butter crackers, fig newtons, and Tums. I stuck a pack of wipes in my bra to guarantee their presence during the event. I filled a bottle with water and stashed some Fig Newtons in the pouch, they would accompany me to Petit's Gap, aid station 2, where I would pick up the Nathan pack from the crew.
Our crew, and I say "our" because they crewed three runners the whole time, Kevin, Todd and myself and at least a few more over the course of the race, consisted of Blake and Kristen Edmondson and Jamie Swyers. They gave up decent sleep and warm beds and in Kristen's case a normal celebration for the day of her birth, to come out and support and care for us through this crazy adventure. That makes them mighty special in my book.
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| Kevin, Todd, Chelsie, Me and Sheryl just before the midnight start. |
My husband, Todd, who is earning his nickname Magnum PI, wore a cotton Hawaiian shirt to the Hellgate start. I think he's a goofball, but I love how unconcerned and confident he can be, I fretted over what I would wear and how greatly that could effect my day, he wore a shirt that's been hanging in his closet for over a decade. We caught up with Todd and Phil Layman was directly in front of him. We did walk a few times over the steeper sections of the gravel road but arrived in a group to Petits Gap.
Blake, Kristen and Jamie had Blake's homemade "Hellgate" table set up with ramen cooking. They had our packs and we switched off water bottles and readied our packs. Blake offered me ramen and I should have said no because my stomach had already bothered me just the slightest headed up to the aid station but I didn't say no and drank the broth in the cup of noodles he handed me. I gave the noodles back and said I couldn't get them down and headed off across the parkway with Kevin, Todd still standing at the aid station.
To hear Todd talk he walks more and waits at aid stations more than I would ever dream and yet he is fast enough when running well that his time would never even hint at these facts. We hadn't been traversing the downhill rocky trail a quarter mile when Todd came upon us full speed ahead, he asked to get around us and that, I knew, was the last we would see of Todd.
Up until this point I had actually been feeling pretty good, the weather, while cold, wasn't all that bad. I was having a rather good time. But on the downhill my stomach took a turn for the worse and I began to regret the ramen. Then, just after 2 am, it started to rain. Between my stomach and the rain, which having seen the weather forecast I immediately thought spelled doom, started immediately to wear me down mentally. By the time we reached Hunting Creek Road at 2:11 am, the rain had turned to snow but it didn't stop me from having this race changing thought, "I'm not going to finish today."
Up Hunting Creek Road we hiked, Kevin and I were both rather quiet, and my head turned from bad to worse. I was tired and cold and figured that the weather that I feared for more than two weeks had arrived. I started to miss my children, it is Christmastime and I had chosen to be away from them, and for what I wondered, to suffer and stagger through the dark and cold? I missed them, I turned the feeling of failure I was feeling in the race to how I was failing them as a mom, choosing this test of an event over time spent with them.
We hiked nearly every step to Camping Gap, Sophie passed us looking strong as well as a few other runners. I didn't care even a little that I was being passed, figuring I was doomed to quit and that frightened me a little more. We reached Camping Gap and saw Brenton who said Todd had flown through the aid station. Phil was there at the top but suffering from knee trouble and we encouraged him to come with us as we headed out. We hiked and ate and then turned back to running a little. At this point I finally confided in Kevin that I was having a hard time. Just getting it out there, that I was struggling, made me feel a little better.
The snow continued to fall on us and accumulate on the ground around us but it was prettier and better than rain to run through. The next section was one of the best of the entire day, Kevin and I actually talked and I spent less time on what I was actually doing or failing to do. The last section on the way to Overstreet Falls was a little technical and some of the rocks were icy and I even took a fall and slid along the snow so we took it a little easier but we still managed to get to Overstreet Falls before 5 am. We got some grilled cheese quarters and headed up Headforemost to Floyd's field.
We hiked every step of this climb and were passed by Amy Albu running up that climb looking strong. I stopped for my first pitstop of the day. We got to Floyd's field about 5:25 am I think Kevin said and it was so cool to cross the parkway covered in snow because it didn't even look like a road in the untouched snow. From Floyd's Field we hiked and jogged until Chelsie Viar ran into us, and for Kevin that was a literal 'ran into us', she had a big smile on her face and passed by us flying with a "Hey y'all". She was looking very strong and I didn't figure we would see her again either.
Once Chelsie passed us Kevin picked up the pace without word that we were going to do so and I held on but it wasn't long after that the increased pace brought back the negativity from Hunting Creek road. This time with a vengeance. I started to let Kevin pull away and once when he slowed I told him to just go off and catch Chelsie that I would be okay. He laughed it off but didn't run off either.
I did not want to run. I could not find a reason to. I wanted dry clothes, sleep, my children. I continued to get very low about the time I spend away from my kids training to then have a day like the one I was having. I wanted to quit but this time it was a stronger feeling. I started to look for reasons that I could not quit but nothing was strong enough to encourage me. I was sad that I would have to admit to the Blue Ridge Trail Runners that I had quit, I figured Horton would think I was weak, I figured people would think it was because of Chelsie passing me, but I still just wanted to quit.
The aid station at Jenning's Creek had a lot of familiar faces and they were encouraging me to go on but I wasted time stalling, I did not want to leave the aid station. Kevin was quiet and I further felt bad that I was disappointing him, that I was hurting his race, and I was a little mad that he wouldn't just leave me to wallow in self pity. My crew offered me broth but I turned it down, they gave me eggs and I ate a bite and put it down. I wasn't eating well but I didn't realize this until much later. If I could realize it all comes back to not eating well I might actually have a better day, but at this point I wanted not food but sleep, or so I thought.
Walking up from Jenning's Creek the darkness fueled by exhaustion came on and I thought HARD about turning around and going back to the aid station and dropping, I figured the crew had already left or I probably would have. I wanted so, so badly to be done, I was sad and angry with myself. The sun came up on our slowly moving bodies. Kevin stopped to use the restroom and I kept moving at a zombie's pace, I started to drift off to sleep as I was moving and then the lowest of lows came on me. I would fall asleep and wake after a moment, I started to fantasize about falling asleep and falling down and getting hurt so I didn't have to go on. When Kevin caught back up with me I dreamed about going into the woods myself "to pee" and going to sleep in the snow. I was fixated on getting out of this ordeal. Kevin was once again up ahead and not talking to me, I wondered what he was thinking but didn't ask. I kept on thinking of all the reasons I was quitting, not why I needed to stay in the game.
On the road to Little Cove (the flat one not the steep uphill one) I decided if I saw the crew I was quitting, it would be the only sign I needed to finally get out. I knew I would disappoint the BRTR, Horton, Todd, maybe others. I knew that I would DNF and end my pathetic streak. I figured I needed it to end, it was all for the best. I was sad that my Western States qualifier for the year was out the window but figured it was for the best if I couldn't even finish a 100k. I feared the judgement I would receive about quitting, that people would think it was because I wasn't doing well, but I longed for my children, I wished for their unconditional love, I knew they would think no less of me for dropping.
We were upon the suburban without my fully realizing it I was so lost in my mind, Blake said something like "good going" and pulled me back, "I need you to drive to the aid station, I'm quitting", I said. Kevin turned around and just looked at me, I hadn't told him, I knew I was disappointing him most of all and that Todd, who is always so proud of my accomplishments, would also be disappointed, but I fully believed that I could not make it to Bearwallow. I had looked at my devilish watch and knew it was about ten miles. I just knew I did not have ten miles left in me, yet alone the distance to the finish. Blake just laughed, that's right laughed at me and said "ah naw, you'll have to make it to Bearwallow and then we'll do what we have to to push you out of there if we need to." I think he even said something about locking the doors of the car. Kevin just continued to look at me for a minute through all of this and I just looked at him and said "I'm about to cry."
I kept moving around the bend where the road turns and Jamie yelled from the warmth of the car "Smile". I turned and glared and gave her a fake smile. Kevin began to pull ahead further than at any other time during the race and I figured he had finally had enough and was finally leaving me. I hated myself that he was not running to his potential because he felt stuck with me.
Now I knew I wasn't quitting at Little Cove to wait for a ride from Charlie Hesse. Horton and Hesse had done a pretty good job of painting that ugly picture and I knew that wasn't for me, not today anyway. And I knew that like it or not I was going to have to make it to Bearwallow now and that Kathie Colling would be there and I wouldn't be able to tell her she had come all this way to not run. Having to make it to Bearwallow followed by knowing that I had to run with my dear friend after her making it out to the aid station motivated me for the first time all night. Kevin had a good lead on me so I pulled out my ipod and put it on. I almost immediately stopped the negative self talk, it was like listening to the words of my music was a reprieve from listening to myself. I had been along for far too long with my thoughts.
Then I ate four peanut butter crackers and a granola bar as we climbed to the aid station. Shortly after that I started to run little short bursts to catch back up to Kevin. When I finally caught back up to him I apologized for being so crazy. He smiled and asked if my music was helping, I told him it was but I also felt like maybe I had been too tired to eat like I should have been eating.
We made it to Little Cove aid station at 8:36. It was cold, wet and depressing. There was little food and no one there like last year. Brenton said Todd was doing amazing and asked what drugs he'd been given and he said Chelsie was fifth women. We left that aid station and headed into what was my personal hell last year. With hell now behind me we ran really well through here, I was fairly confident that no matter how ugly I was going to finish this thing. Having spent hours feeling otherwise this was a huge weight lifted. I anticipated the Devil Trail and the road crossing so these things didn't get to me.
We saw and passed a female walking, she looked injured but she said that she was just having a low spot. Then Kevin thought he saw Chelsie up ahead, I almost didn't believe it but then we saw her on an uphill. We ran with her a few minutes, we swapped war stories and gave her a hard time about bumping into Kevin when she zoomed past us earlier in the night. She said she was sixth female and told me I should go hunt down fifth, I told her I really didn't care knowing that my pacer wasn't allowed this year if I was top five and that I needed that pacer more than a top five finish. She said she was cold and needed new socks and shoes. She led a ways and then stepped aside wanting us to take the lead and it wasn't long after that I noticed she was no longer there. I thought we may end up seeing her again but wasn't concerned either way.
We saw Blanks and Grattan not long before the road crossing and Grattan told me Kathie was waiting on me reading to go.We made it to Bearwallow at about 10:30, roughly same as last year. Horton as I ran in called on the megaphone "Alexis Thomas. She's fourth, no fifth, sixth. First loser." I was certainly first loser, couldn't argue that. Blake and the rest of the crew were there with the little table set up and I didn't even go to the regular aid station tables. I drank some broth and Jamie filled up my pack. Kathie gave me some peanut butter quarters and I grabbed some handwarmers and finally dropped my headlamps.
With Blake for Kevin and Kathie for I we headed out of the aid station. There was a lot more climbing leaving the aid station than I recalled but Kathie was very encouraging, she kept telling us to run to the next streamer or encouraging us that it was very runnable. She wasn't pushy though, just encouraging, she asked if we were eating and drinking. I told her I was eating well now but hadn't been for some time in the middle. She was doing exactly what my exhausted head wanted and needed. We jogged most of the next section that is winding and runnable and Kathie switched to non running conversation which was also awesome.
The climb to Bobblet's wasn't steep but a little wet and rocky. We ran and walked it and met a Canadian, Cameron, and his pacer and also met Joe Byron along the way who had come out to pace Kevin for a little while. At Bobblet's we saw our crew and I got more granola bars and peanut butter crackers, we also ate quesadilla's and tater tots made on the griddle by Sam Price. He remarked that I seemed better than I looked at Jenning's Creek. I admitted that I had no recollection of him at Jenning's Creek.
We left Bobblet's with food in hand and caught back up with Cameron. We joked and carried on and had a good time but I also felt that we weren't running fast enough, last year Todd and I had crushed this section. I could feel Kathie's pull but didn't feel like the rest of the group did. The whole forever section seemed to go a little slower than I would have liked and we finally managed to get around Cameron when I set my sights on Rick Gray, it was nothing personal but it was now beginning to rain and I was growing more and more tired once again and knew that I had to get moving in order to stave off a further low in my already long day.
We saw Tammy who had come out to meet Rick and Kathie asked where the next female was, Tammy said it was Sophie and she had a half hour on us. The forever section, according to my Garmin, was 8.6 miles. We were having a fun time but I knew we weren't making it to Camp Bethel in under fifteen hours. However, I was growing more certain we could do it in about 15:30 and that would be good enough after the day I had.
At the Day Creek aid station I laughed at the Diet Cola they offered and ate some milky ways and a few slivers of PB&J. We headed out after a few minutes of looking over the table like more options may appear if we stared harder. We were a just out of the aid station when someone said something about mac and cheese I asked who had mac and cheese and Kevin said Opal did, I ran back to the aid station for mac and cheese, Opal had a cup ready for me. It was pretty pathetic, me trying to manage a spoon with my freezing fingers but I managed to get a few bites in.
We saw Grattan and he hiked with us a ways before turning around to get in a little bit longer of a run. We hiked every step up to the foggy top. At the top we had 45 minutes to make Kevin's 15:15 goal. It was very cold at the top crossing over the parkway. The rain was the heaviest it had been all day and my body was starting to shiver, my knees red from the cold, I was so ready to be done. At this point I could have kicked it, there's something about those last few miles that rejuvenates desire in me, but I also didn't feel like there was a chance at Top 5, and I was happy with that as I had fretted the pacer situation after hearing about it, I didn't have to feel guilty or stress being disqualified if I was sixth or lower the whole time. Kevin was also beginning to suffer a tad from exhaustion and there was no way I was leaving him, after the day we'd had there was no way I was crossing that line even a second before him.
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| Kevin and I coming into Camp Bethel Saturday afternoon. |
Once inside the warm building, Horton told me I hadn't let him down too badly, I was only a spot of two from what he'd seeded me. Christy and Todd made sure I had food before I got out of my wet clothes and Sophie told me that I was only a few minutes behind her, that I had come in just after she had. I was glad to know that I hadn't come in too far behind the top 5. I took a shower and it wasn't even painful like last year. I got dry clothes on and went back out to hang out and watch others finish. I moved around from sofa to sofa talking with the other crews and runners. That room on the afternoon following the start of Hellgate is one special place to be. I felt lucky to have come, to have endured, to have great friends.
I am glad I didn't quit, that I had tough love through the tough times that got me to keep going but I do feel like I need a break, even if it's only for a week or two. I need to recover, refocus, maybe even re-invent. I know that some of Saturday night's struggle was not eating well but even after I felt better I wasn't really motivated to push hard. Maybe all I need is a short break, a new to do list, but there's a part of me that wonders if I'm just not any good for the long stuff. The thought makes me a little sad because when it's all over and done I want to feel like I could be a contender. I feel like I'm doing things wrong. Again, maybe it's just post-race funk, but I feel like I'm not really sure where to go next from here.
Hoping that's just the last of Hellgate getting to my head.
alexis
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