Saturday, December 12, 2020
Buchanan, Virginia
Hellgate 100k (plus a little extra)
In the hours since Hellgate I've both sworn off Hellgate forever and thought about next years race an equally proportionate amount of time. In the past several years my blog posting has dwindled to almost nothing, and yet, just now, this report seems to want to write itself, so we will see where it takes us. I do know this, in the days leading up to this past weekends race I read and re-read many a past Hellgate race report and I found that the hard fought days are just as if not more important to remember as the easier, better days. Should I find myself registered again to run this special race, this report will likely do my future self well.
Little backstory to this years event, as it may prove prudent. In 2017, I ran my best Hellgate race, I PR'd by 17 minutes, I realized that perhaps Hellgate is my favorite race and I set forth on my one single solitary goal which was to run Hellgate ten CONSECUTIVE times as fast as I possibly could. In the summer of 2018 with my summer races all but behind me, I made a strong training plan for the fall with only Hellgate on my mind. Then...an unplanned interruption occurred, one with beautiful brown eyes and an instinct for wrecking my sleep, we call her Ellie but her name is Eleanor.
Ten consecutive Hellgates would have to come later if ever, and I wasn't sure I even wanted to be a runner anymore. I ran Iron Mountain 30 in August of 2018 and was fairly sure after that I wouldn't run ultras again. But then curiosity got the better of me and I signed up, six months pregnant, to run Laurel Highlands 70 Miler at what would be maximum three months post partum depending on when Baby made her debut, to continue my ability to apply to the Western States Lotto (too proud to just take the deferal a pregnancy allowed me). But then just as quickly after registering for that race I stopped running at all, I didn't run a step again until April 1st of 2018. From that one mile run I trained what I could over the next two months before running the Laurel Highlands 70 Miler. That run was the hardest race I've ever run, it took a lot out of me and I spent the next four to five months not running.
Finally, last year, after months of not running I was inspired to start again. Steve Higgins asked me to pace him at his first Hellgate (see how I said first). I was honored to say the least. I was feeling washed up, worn over, done. I didn't have the faith I could be any good to him even 40 miles in at Hellgate, but I was encouraged and didn't want to let him down. So, for Steve and Hellgate, I started to run again so that I might pace Steve in from Bearwallow.
That run jumpstarted me a little, I started to think about Western States and new ultras, I registered for and got into a couple of races including my would be qualifier for 2020 (still too proud or foolish for that deferal) World's End 100k just outside of Forksville in Pennsylvania, Then, Covid. I think we all know enough that I don't have to say much about 2020, but all my races were cancelled or postponed, but the break from all other things gave me both the time and the motivation to run more than I had over the last year. Todd and the kids and I would go twice and sometimes three times in a week to run together and I started to join some of Steve's groups to get longer runs in on the mornings or weekends. I was starting to feel a little like a runner again.
By the time Worlds End 100k started (September 26th) I was exhausted from training, but I got in a good block and a good taper and I had a great race. It was such a great race that there's no race report! To quote Vonnegut, the race could be summer up "Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt." Which is mostly true, except everything hurt and there was a lot of vomiting, but who wants to read about that? But I was just so thankful to have a race not be cancelled, to get to wear a bib and to get to race in a way I hadn't for a few years. It really was wonderful.
Post Worlds End I was floundering about whether or not to apply to Hellgate, on one hand World's End had gone better than I expected. But I had been exhausted from training and still felt I had so much more to go to get back to where I felt I once was. Todd encouraged me to register. He said I would regret it and that I knew was probably true.
So I turned in my paper application, but then there were several more weeks where my body just needed to still take it easy after its 100k effort in September, this is one of the major drawbacks to my current fitness, how long recovery takes after these long races, and so it was middle of October before I was feeling up to running again. Then Thanksgiving and a cold knocked training further down and basically forced an early taper. During all of this time I was somewhat regretting my registration, feeling I wasn't ready or committed enough and secretly hoping as terrible a truth as it is, that this race would be cancelled.
But alas, Hellgate 2020 was meant to be, even the Governor agreed it seemed. And so Thursday evening I started a packing and preparations list. I wasn't overly stressed or anxious. On the one hand I knew that my training was lacking but I also felt confident that I knew what was required and I had in me what I needed to finish. And honestly, I still had quite a bit of expectation, despite my meager training and the five pounds or more I've gained this season, I still thought I could be around 14:30-14:45. I read a few old race reports (these do come in handy) and made a list of splits that should take me to the 14:45 goal.
Friday afternoon I was equipped with a bib, an overflowing pack and a box of rudimentary supplies. In some ways, as unprepared as I felt for the actual physical side of Hellgate I felt somewhat strong mentally. I knew what needed to be done, I felt I would go for it, worse that could happen is I would fail. I did see the line as very thin, 14:45 I'm solid based on current training. Fifteen hours or over I'm a failure. In retrospect, I was probably too hard on myself, but I am what I am.
Chelsie, as planned, arrived at our house a little after 10 pm on Friday evening. We left straight from our house to the start line. It was a little over an hour drive and it was hard to not feel just a tad bit overwhelmed. I told Todd and Chelsie on the way over that I didn't deserve to be at Hellgate. This upset Todd and he said that he hoped Chelsie thought I was kidding. But I wasn't kidding. On the drive over Friday night I felt I had no business being among the runners that evening, I felt I hadn't really paid my dues, hadn't put in the work, had crammed but never really studied, knew the subject but had forgotten the details.
By the time we arrived at the start line I was feeling a little rushed. I heard Horton, upon opening the car door, ushering over wave one starters. I put on my gloves and my borrowed light from Steve Higgins, and was on my way. For all the things about 2020 that have been hard, and for all the parts of Hellgate that are hard, standing around that gate just before midnight was definitely a highlight of the year for me. Familiar as well as unfamiliar faces, covered and hovered, all ready to begin. A good reminder of the specialness that just naturally surrounds Hellgate. If you've found yourself on Big Hellgate Lane around midnight mid December you know what I mean. We've come to test ourselves, we're all hoping we will pass.
And as is always the case, a minute past midnight, just behind a prayer and a somewhat battered rendition of the national anthem we are off on a long and arduous journey. I went out and was, as usual, just so happy to have begun. I settled in quite quickly to running alongside Dennis Coan, an ultrarunner I've known for years, before I was even an ultrarunner, but who I seldom see anymore. It was fun to catch up and swap stories of our toddler daughters. But before long he was off and running and I settled in with a few women, Shannon Howell and Bethany Patterson, we too shared mom stories and the hopes that Hellgate would be kind to us.
However, by the time I reached Petits Gap road, my feet were cold, my hands were too warm and I was all but alone. I was thankful that there were faster runners in other waves to occasionally pass by in the night, Hi, Tim. But most of these next miles were an occasional headlamp, not real company. I had made it to aid one and made note of my watch, having never done that. It was 12:44, right on time to what I had projected, nice.
But I didn't feel great on Petits and I walked earlier and more often than I wanted or felt I should. By the aid station I was feeling a little stressed about my split so I tried to pick it up, I ran through without stopping at 1:31. On the downhill leaving aid two I caught up to and chatted a bit with Kathleen Cusick. The woman is a machine! Having just run a hundred last weekend she had shown up for Hellgate but her glute muscles, she said, had not really come along. She was still crushing downhills and making me feel less prepared, I had let Worlds End beat me down for a time and here she was a week after a hundred running Hellgate.
Through the Terrapin trail section Jordan Cooter caught me and ran with me for a second, he had started two waves behind and was crushing it like I predicted that he would. I was moving as well as I could and I felt pretty good about my effort, especially being able to compare them to how I ran and felt when training on this section of the course over the past few weeks. I felt I was moving well. I got to Hunting Creek Road, right on time, at 2:12. I remembered for a split second 2013 and how badly I had wanted to quit Hellgate at that moment. On this evening I was feeling good, I was eating the baby food packets I had brought and drinking the Tailwind. My left ankle and knee were giving me a bit of grief but I was still feeling good.
I ran much of HCR alone with the exception of a quick hike with Michael Newhall who was feeling really good and running great despite a hip injury the last few weeks. I ran and hiked as expected and was fooled, as usual, by the false summit near the top. When I arrived at Camping Gap it was 3:03, despite being my goal to this aid station I wasn't feeling great. I felt I was working REALLY REALLY hard and not really getting anywhere fast. I felt I was using a lot of effort and not making much ground. I stopped at this aid station and had a cup of water and a cup of Pepsi. Then it was off to the grassy road and then on to my crew, Todd, who would be waiting at Floyd's.
I ran but hiked more of the gravel road than I would have liked. I tried to keep the hiking intervals short. At the start of the grassy road a runner, I think his name was Konstantin, started to talk with me. About that time Alissa Keith caught and passed us, but then kind of fell in beside us as we weaved up and down through the grassy hills of this section. It was nice to have the company and catch up with Alissa, and their conversation certainly helped carry me along here. We ran all of the grassy road together, and I was feeling pretty good. However, when finally we took the left turn onto the trail that takes you over to Overstreet I was starting to feel the cooler air of the higher elevations and the exhaustion of no nap the day before. Alissa and Konstantin ran off into the night. I tried to stay in sight of them to Floyd's but I could feel myself slipping further and further behind.
I made it to Floyd's in 5:13. When making up the list of splits I had determined I HAD to be here by 5:10 to make my goals for the day, getting here just three minutes late was a bother. I told Todd and Steve who was there, that I felt pretty good, my knee was angry but otherwise I was eating well, running ok, and mentally good. But I just wasn't running the way I WANTED to be running. I had a little grilled cheese and then headed off into the part of the course I feel I know the least.
It was dark and chilly as I started on towards Jennings, and I was completely alone. I didn't even see headlights ahead for a time. I thought about previous Hellgates, which was quite a familiar theme this year for me, and how rough I usually can feel through here. On this day I felt good mentally. I just felt inept. But I didn't give up, I decided to use the benefit of Steve's magnificent light to make up some time to Jennings.
This section felt somewhat overall easier than other years. I was probably slower on the first half than I should have been but once it really settled in to a downhill, which really the whole section is, I felt I was moving swiftly, for me. I was proud of myself, running alone in the pitch black at Hellgate through a section I only ever run at Hellgate. Once, when I was feeling really proud and confident, an owl or other winged creature fluttered right over my head and scared me half to death and made me screech. I am, after all, a sissy. But a sissy who can do hard things.
I made it to Jennings at some point, Todd has it down as 6:33, and my knee and ankle, especially after the downhill, were killing me. I was happy to see the Christmas lights and my friends who I knew would be at Jennings but my knee was really bothering me and I was really questioning what I was doing all of this for, I was getting really tired and my trail family hanging out together, while I was running alone, made me feel weirdly jealous at that moment. Todd and Wade started calling out my name until I found them and I went from running downhill to a walk and that was a little discombobulating. Wade asked if I wanted a mimosa but I feared it would just make me want a nap more than I already did so I turned him down.
Sam and Blake were saying hello but Todd was ushering me over to the van. Sam Price asked how I was feeling and all I could hear was the pounding of my knee and I just said, "UGH". Then Todd surprised me by snapping at me, he told me we could just quit, go home, call it a day. That he was tired of me looking good, not working hard and complaining. I ate some macaroni and cheese he had made me and drank some coffee and cola but I just got really upset, I held it together the best I could. I took my waistlight off and got out my headlamp. I got some food for the next few sections. Then, just before leaving I looked at him and said, "You're wrong, I'm working my ass off."
I was so, SO angry but really just hurt when I left that aid station. Todd is always been really good crew, always seems to know the right thing to say and do, but not that day, not at Jennings. I saw a few guys ahead and worked to stay in sight of them. Sunlight was coming quick and I felt I had made it to Jennings much later than usual and that I shouldn't have even bothered bringing the headlamp in that section. I started to get really, really tired. I fantasized a little about taking a decades long nap in the woods off to the side of the road.
But then I remembered that you should run when you're feeling tired, that it can help wake you up. So I started to run a little more. I remembered that up ahead was one of my favorite trail sections of the whole course. I started to see runners everywhere it felt like after having run the last section alone. Many were coming from behind and I felt I was making worse and worse time.
Running over to Little Cove I saw Wade and he asked how I was doing, I was still stuck on Todd hurting my feelings and Wade told me that if it helped to push me than it wasn't all bad. I tried to refocus but my knee by this point was really hurting and I was just feeling really drained. I felt I was moving ok, but in retrospect this section of the day was my only real fumble. I walked and sulked way too much up to Little Cove. I was once again fooled by a false summit coming into the aid station at Little Cove. It took longer to get here than I remembered. Along the way I was passed by a few women and men, one of whom was Nelle Fox, who I had heard about and had never met. She was such a nice, happy spirit and she was crushing it. I was glad to have finally met her.
At the aid station, Neil offered me some french toast and it, along with my chance meeting with Nelle lit a little fire underneath me once more, and I was thankful for it. I remembered how bad I felt in 2012 and realized I didn't feel bad, I should be moving better, I have what it takes to do hard things. I had arrived at Little Cove at 8:20 and I had yet to listen to music though I had been carrying my phone, an ipod and three, yes 3 pairs of headphones since the start line. Sometimes I can see I am a grand mess. Anyways, I finally convinced myself to pull the music out.
And between the french toast, Nelle and the divine playlist I have assembled, things really started to come together. I started really running again. I felt pretty good considering. I tried not to think about what I had left to run but only what I had left to give. I ran a lot through here, which isn't saying much, its a very runnable section on the Hellgate course. I decided Nelle was moving well enough to be gone but that maybe I could catch someone else, anyone else, just company. And so I ran on for miles and miles it felt like and never saw anyone, not from behind or up ahead.
By the time I made it to the Devils trail I was wondering what twilight zone episode I had entered. Where was everyone! But then, because the Devil Trail. There were people again, both coming from behind and passing me and up ahead to catch. I saw Kathleen and Michael who were both hurting from more than just your typical Hellgate fun. Kathleen stayed just ahead to Bearwallow where she admitted she might drop. It was 10:20ish coming into Bearwallow. On the slower end of all my Hellgate times and feeling much less confident in my ability to run sub 15 hours. I changed tops to a short sleeve shirt as the day was finally really warming up, I dropped my gloves and my lights, switched from a bladder to a flask and pretty much killed as much time as I ever have here.
When leaving I saw a bunch of familiar faces but I had already killed too much time to say more than a passing hello to many a friend. Todd said he would see me in 75 minutes at Boblets. Heading out and up I did the math and thought Todd would surely be disappointed because it would be longer than 1:15 to Boblets. Little did I know then just how long this section would feel. Funny thing, I THINK this is my favorite section of the course, and some of it, even on REALLY tired legs is quite runnable after the initial climbing, but boy of boy did it feel ever so long and so so slow on Saturday morning. It was a pretty enough day and the section is some lovely trail that reminds me of Petits. but I was weaving in and out and getting no where fast.
I had been in the mode of looking downhill for the road to Boblets for a time when I happened to see a runner up ahead coming towards me. It was Josh Gilbert. He turned around and started to run with me towards Boblets. I asked him about the turn and he said we still had a ways, I was starting to feel dejected at this point. It was looking more like an hour and half of longer in this section and I felt pretty solidly that I had blown a 15 hour finish. I told him I was going to ask if someone would run with me from the aid station. He said there was a lot of help at Boblets and that was why he was out running, He said that if nothing else he would run the downhill road section if no one else offered.
After running so many hours and miles alone it was great to have the company of a friendly face. He was chatty and he got me moving at least a little better than before he appeared. On the road up to Boblets we came across Cooper, my twelve year old son who was also out crewing me at Hellgate but had been asleep so far for most of it. He told me I had about a half mile to the aid station.
At the aid station I had the good fortune of lots of familiar friendly faces and helping hands. Todd got me some tater tots and I asked if anyone would like to run the forever section with me. Immediately, Sarah Vickey said she would and I looked down at her feet, she was wearing some Wellingtons or something similar and I said, "In those?" Not that I didn't think she could keep up, I just thought that would be extremely uncomfortable. She said yes at the same time Todd asked her her shoe size, she said size 8 and Todd and I looked at each other without speaking, he said I'll go to the van and get one of your pairs. I said "Great you do that and I'm going to get started, I'm sure Sarah can catch up to me at the pace I'm moving." I apologized to Sam for being less than communicative at Jennings and he said he thought nothing of it. I mean how happy are people really at 5 am after running through the night generally? I don't know. I just know I am a person who likes their sleep.
Sarah caught me pretty quickly, and for a time she attempted small chat, but at this point I was focused on my aching knee and the more than half marathon distance I still had to cover. And I couldn't/wouldn't just give up even though a sub 15 hour finish was pretty much shot. By the time we reached the trail I was doing terrible math and no longer chatty. Sarah was a stellar pacer, especially one on no notice wearing long pants and someone else's shoes. She made me run and when she couldn't get me to run she made me drink. I didn't run a lot but I told her I had never drank so well in the forever section so there was at least that!
The forever section earned its name for me on Saturday. Those 5.2 miles felt like way more. We passed Jeremy and Michael just past halfway and Jeremy said, "You have 7.2 miles left." I have never wanted to hit JP before but that news just sucked. I kept wanting him to be wrong. But he wasn't, he's good at math.
About a half mile to Day Creek we passed a group of people that turned out to be my boys and Nick Aukland. Nick said, "I have bad news for you! You're 11th! But you can be tenth!" I had to argue that I was solidly in eleventh. And that it could be worse than that with the wave starts. I told them that my new focus was on making this NOT my personal worst, I just wanted to break 15:10, my 2013 I-am-afraid-of-a-little-snow-time. We came in to Day Creek and Steve was there at the rocks with Ellie and then my sister-in-law Sue and her husband and Todd and the rest of the kids and Scott Covey, Frankie Viar and Wade was there telling me I had run that section well and it felt nice to see so many familiar faces but I also was feeling pressed, as slow as I was moving, to make it to the finish in under 15:10. It was 13:47 at Day Creek and I know I killed a minute or so there with drinking cola and saying hellos. I thanked Sarah for her gracious favor and left out of Day Creek with my daughter Bailey who had always planned to run in with me as I knew going in to Hellgate that I wasn't vying this year for a podium finish.
Bailey was so sweet, she was telling me stories and telling me how great I looked and how great I was doing, she told me she saw women ahead I could catch. I guess I have done Hellgate too many times because I told her we would hike hard every step to the parkway which was 2.2 miles away even thought everyone says it is more and then we would give the downhill every ounce our legs could in the fight to break 15:10. She said she would do her best to keep up. I knew I wanted to see her get over the parkway and was pretty confident she wouldn't have any trouble keeping up with her mom on the down side either.
I was feeling pretty fatigued by the Parkway and I was feeling less confident that I could pull of 15:10 and decided that if it was a personal worst kind of day so be it, it wasn't half bad for the worst. The weather was great, the company too. But then as we began the downhill I found a little left in my legs which is almost always the case somehow those last few miles. What began around a ten minute pace we got down even further. I went back to my music and told Bailey to run ahead of me and not slow down unless she couldn't hear the music anymore (I was no longer using any of the three pairs of headphones). She did a beautiful job. I decided I would run as hard as I could and just hold on, as much as I ALWAYS tell myself it won't come down to this at Hellgate it ALWAYS comes down to this at Hellgate, I can't stand the thought of giving up even a minute if I have to.
At a mile to go I had about 12 minutes to break 15:10. We passed Alissa and her pacer Tracy but I confirmed what we all already knew, Alissa was in the wave behind me and would still be ahead of me in overall time. At the camp Bailey stopped to walk due to a side stitch and told me to finish strong. I was pushing so fast in the camp that I had the most overwhelming wave of nausea I've ever had running that took me to an immediate walk. The gentleman I had passed on the road caught back up and told me I could keep running I was so close to the finish. I told him nausea had come in big time but then I found the something to start running again to the finish line.
I finished in 15:08 and change. Not my personal worst, not my best, however it was definitely the least trained I've ever felt for Hellgate. Horton asked what was wrong and I said just that. Thankfully I had enough to still run fairly well but it wasn't the day I was hoping for. Per usual though I came away with some fine lessons, a few good memories and the even greater desire to run Hellgate again though I can't say for certain why that is other than I just know I can do better than I have. It's funny at mile 50 I was never not ever going to run Hellgate again but with each passing hour since the desire only gets stronger. It will probably peak sometime after I drop my application off next October so that its fully depleted by race day but in that way it is like the famous Laura Numeroff series of books in which we make a full circle back to where we began.
If Alexis runs Hellgate she'll probably want to do it again.
