It has not been a good week. Too many miles, too many hills and too much intensity finally caught up with me near the end of last week. I don't know what got into me but after running two loops at Holiday Lake, albeit at a long run pace, I felt so good on Sunday that I went out and ran another six miles, then went and ran the next day and then the next day.
OK, perhaps I should back up. On New Year's Day I went out for a run that included some snow and ice covered trails. With just a few miles left, coming down the steep section after Fat Man's Misery on the Terrapin Course I slipped on ice and went down on my left knee. It hurt, but just a tad and I ran strong enough on it to finish the day's run. However, two days later I started to get an ache in my knee that was especially bothersome after sitting for awhile or coming down the stairs. At first I had no idea what was causing the discomfort until I remembered the quick fall I had taken. The knee progressed until it ached with every step. Ice and ibuprofen but little rest followed.. Despite the growing pain in my knee I decided to take on two loops of Holiday Lake for fun. Only my motivation wasn't fun, it was to see if I could run through so much pain, to see if I should even register for Holiday Lake. And thus convincing myself that my knee was only bruised I ran two painful loops at Holiday Lake. Painful but completed. Between loops I registered for the race. I could barely walk come that evening but I had gained a little knowledge as to what kind of pain I could put myself through.
My knee hurt for 27 days. There was little that could be done for it and some days were worse than others. Finally, some reprieve and the pain and discomfort became less noticeably until finally, last Thursday I noticed it wasn't bothering me anymore unless I bowed down on my knee to tie someone's shoelace or pick something up.
It was Thursday though that my ankle spoke up, asked me to back off the hills a little and remember we had a race coming up. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I had run a lot of hills. Why, you might ask, especially when Holiday Lake doesn't even have any real hills? Because I like hills? Because a smart man once said I'm not happy unless I'm injured? I don't know why I ran so many hills for such a flat course, but my ankle was groaning. Thursday night, instead of running hills, I ran a not quite tempo run on the flat trail at Blackwater with Grattan. This, my ankle told me later, was not what we had in mind. You clearly can't hear us down here, perhaps we should speak louder?
The pain in my ankle began to travel up my right calf.
I tried to take it easy on Saturday, but the boys had such an inviting run planned in the mountains that I couldn't say no. I tried to run easy, but the boys are so fast and I want to be faster. With my calf and ankle now belittling me, I turned it down a gear the second half of Saturday morning's run. And yet I couldn't just stay off of it, so I ran Sunday. But Tuesday morning, on the dark trails at Candler's, the calf finally threw a hissy fit I couldn't ignore, walking many a short hill I would normally run, I finished my run with a growing pit in my stomach. From left knee to right ankle and calf why can't my body keep up with where my mind would like to take us?
And yet, I can't tell if my calf and ankle are really injured or if that is a little lump of worry down there festering in my leg. It isn't getting worse, but it isn't going away either. Aleve offers no relief, massage either. Epsom baths, ice, foam roller, nothing seems to help.
Yesterday I got a pre-race email for David Horton, the race director for Holiday Lake, attached was the list of entrants for this year's race and race numbers. It appears I have been seeded third female. Immediately, my mind responds, you can't live up to that, my leg concurs.
I had a bad run last night. The leg is just there, etching away at my confidence, tearing me down in size. The guys were all offering comforting words of advice and I just kept getting more and more worried, more and more quiet. A few of the guys really did say some encouraging helpful words of advice. On the way home, Todd chastised me a bit for playing down how well I am going to do on Saturday, he warned that I come off downplaying what I'm going to do and then go out and do really well. This upset me immensely, I'm not downplaying anything! My calf really does hurt! I really am worried about this race! And yet, when I calmed down I understand the point he is making and I only feel worse.
I'm not used to people thinking I can achieve I am used to people overlooking me. I am used to having to prove myself, of being told I probably can't, I am pushed by the desire to prove people wrong to stop being overlooked. This recent change of having people believe in me, think better of me than I do of myself, it's daunting. I feel a pressure I'm afraid I just can't live up to. Truth is, I guess I like the feeling and I'm afraid that it will disappear if I don't do well, can meet the expectation.
This morning, first step out of bed, the calf is there, warning me. I am a nervous wreck.
On the drive to drop my kids off at preschool I finally come to terms, I finally have some peace, because I remember something about myself that maybe someone else knows too, something so clear you would think I would never forget it but alas, sometimes I do. I am stubborn, headstrong and competitive and these things will pull me through on Saturday unless I break my leg. I will worry and fret, complain and whine but come Saturday morning I will run the best that I can for that day. Whether it be 'fast' or 'slow', who at this point knows, but it will be all of me, the good and the bad. I will fight against my body, my body will fight against my mind. I won't quit unless I break something, am bleeding uncontrollably or vomiting profusely. Will my effort be enough to match my seeded place? Maybe, maybe not. I must remember that my race number is just my race number, that it may or may not be my day, but to give all of myself regardless of outcome. The goal on Saturday should be simple, just do your best, have no regrets.
So I'm off to eat bagels and count out my GU but I leave you with this song that basically sums up my relationship with ultra running.
-Alexis
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