2013 Goals and Resolutions

Yesterday morning we went on our first run of the year. A run in the mountains on the beautiful, yet snow and ice covered, Terrapin course. It was a group run but I found myself alone for a fair amount of it, being one of the slower runners in attendance. While I sauntered through the chilly air and icy terrain I let my mind wander to thoughts about the new year. Since I began running in the fall of 2009 I have ached to be faster, sometimes quite literally after punishing my body for its limitations with particularly grueling training runs. It should come as no surprise for it is no secret that I am competitive. It is always with me, the desire to be stronger, faster, fitter.

However, despite the attraction to be all that I can be, I am by nature lazy and take procrastination to levels unprecedented. Though easily inspired and it's true when on task my determination can be hard to rival, I often take the easy route. Rest days are as numerous as excuses, and despite knowing that I want so much more for myself I am often halfhearted in the carrying out of my training plans.

There has been some suggestion to how much better I could be, if I could focus and commit. Drink more water, run more consistently, be more in-tune with my body. And where as I know I want it, I just don't know how badly. I realized yesterday in the mountains that I'm always comparing both my accomplishments and shortcomings to other people. The self-proclaimed Data Queen I compare myself to others times and accomplishments. I thought this was the way it should be done. And yet yesterday I began to wonder, how much better could I be if I really did just focus in on me?

In the weeks since Hellgate I have become secretly despondent about my race, especially about my time. People have quite generously congratulated me on my effort, my place and my time. And yet I struggle, the words of Gwen Stefani echoing within "I'm just a girl", my sex a handicap I can't evade. Is this my future? To be plagued no matter how good I become, with thoughts of just how far I've still left to go and yet possibly never reach? On this current path angst is certain to become my new best friend. Yesterday with my mind clearer then the day's skies I think I finally reached resolution. I'm tired of apologizing, even if only inwardly, for the things I cannot change.

There will always be someone better. There will always be someone who is more experienced, smarter, less injury prone, faster, younger... The most I can hope for myself is to be, as cliche as it may sound, the best that I can be. It is essential that I stop comparing myself and start qualifying myself. It is to this effect that I aim in the weeks and months to come to mend my mindset, to recalibrate the reasoning and the desired outcomes. There may always be someone better but why not continually strive to be exceptional? Whatever the outcome it's bound to make the adventure more worthwhile.

I could list off the numerous accomplishments I would love to see reached by years end, personal bests and record distances, but I honestly don't see the need.  Those things need no bulleted list. Rather my goals for 2013 are at this point of a simpler variety. I want to answer the mountains open invitations to come and explore, to make more memories, seek more adventures. If not faster, then farther. And if not farther, then just because.