Hellgate #8 2021

 Hellgate 100k

December 11, 2021

Fincastle, Virginia

I wasn't going to run Hellgate. That's the important thing you have to remember. After a near abysmal (self defined of course) race in 2020 I vowed fervently (for at least three days) to go into 2021 with only Hellgate on my mind. The year started out well enough and I was just catching my stride when I was sidelined with a nagging and debilitating IT issue that haunted me from March to June. The year wasn't shaping up as I had planned. Then a non running related injury took me out of running from August 2-September 26th (but who's keeping count). When the Hellgate application became available just after my two month hiatus from running I didn't even plan to apply any longer. 

Several well meaning friends asked if I was going to run Hellgate but it just didn't seem smart. It was more than that, I was still anxious about running after 8 solid weeks off and I knew that in order to run Hellgate I would need to pile on the training, hard and quickly, two things I didn't want to do or feel ready to do. I did print and fill out an application, including the what qualified me for running part. It was on this paper that the fact that I hadn't run an ultra since last year's Hellgate became truly clear to me. I recycled my application and planned to not apply. 

I went so far in my plan to not apply for Hellgate that I registered for another ultra, the same day as Hellgate. I registered for the Freight Train 50k. I would get to sleep Friday night, only run a 50k and see that 2021 had at least one ultra in it for me. Win, win, win. 

Yet, it was still there, the nagging of Hellgate. As much as I didn't want to go run Hellgate and have another sucky day I didn't want to miss another sucky day at Hellgate. Friends, many of whom were now registered and in for Hellgate, asked about my intentions. Several seemed surprised and questioned if I would really skip Hellgate. I could probably write a whole post about all of my friends who asked me about Hellgate and how each of these conversations pulled and played with my mental struggle over whether or not to apply. 

It should have been decided, I mean it was already, wasn't it? I was registered for another race that day already. Then on a Wednesday evening run some well meaning friends were making light fun of the fact I hadn't applied when the conversation got a little more serious. I explained that I want to run Hellgate, that I want ten Hellgate finishes or more but I want to run Hellgate well when one of my friends (Andy here's looking at you) said something like: Well here's the thing, in another decade or so when you look back will you be happy you sat this Hellgate out because it wasn't going to be one of your best or will you regret that you skipped it because it was going to be a slow finish? 

Damn you, Andy.

That night I came home and was reading Tolkien to the baby, when I came across this sentence on Bilbo's time at the Last Homely House; Now it is a strange thing, but things that are good to have and days that are good to spend are soon told about but not much to listen to; while things that are uncomfortable, palpitating and even gruesome, may make a good tale and take a deal of telling anyway. 

In 24 hours time this question  and this quote would see me withdraw from a 50k, ask Horton's special permission to be accepted and finally, officially, entered into Hellgate. Because who doesn't want to be part of a good tale. The craziest part? My sheer happiness when Horton said I could. It was like this incredible weight lifted, the 'real' decision made, the right one, the only one perhaps, I was going to run and walk and suffer beautifully my way to another Hellgate finish. In other words, I don't think I have ever been so excited to run Hellgate. Even though Hellgate is my favorite. There's just always so much fear involved around it for me. 

So now with even less time to train, I finally got my head in focus and I started to train. But it had to be smart, I was coming from a couple weeks in the 15-20 range, so I figured max 50 and that would even be risky. But I did get to work and I tried to be both smart and purposeful. Weather is going to suck that morning, it sure will be dark and cold, definitely need to go then. It's been probably over a year since I had that kind of mindset. 

There is probably one more piece, the you keep qualifying and ONE day the lottery is finally going to accept you and then you will really have a lot of work on your hands piece. So Hellgate is probably not really that bad an idea when you think of it this way, I mean you have to start somewhere, it would be a good place to gauge what really needs work before heading out on a Western States training block. 

So I was in for Hellgate, I gave it a good few weeks training from November to early December. But the long runs were rough, and very few, they suggested by their pace that I might not finish. I tried to focus not at all on a time or expectations, I tried to focus on other things, breaking down the pieces that scared me and finding fixes for those things and honestly, just not thinking about the ones that were too big. One day, a week or more ago, I started to think about the course, section by section, I had to literally tell myself to stop, it was just not helpful. It is a long ways and it feels ever longer when you don't feel ready. 

But in many ways, it was my best Hellgate season yet. I didn't feel particularly crazy or worried, I didn't expect great things, but I was hopeful. I put hope in myself, in my experiences. That I've been dealt hard days and so far I've managed to survive them for better or worse. And I would survive this too. The day I got into Hellgate I conned Scott Covey into crewing me along with Todd, who would also pace. Bailey, our oldest daughter, wanted to come along too. 

I'll skip ahead so we can get to the actual race this week. But in many a way I feel this race report is so much in the getting my head into Hellgate. This whole year I was focused on going back to Hellgate to be faster, but what if being better at Hellgate starts with not being fast so much as on the right path?

THE ACTUAL EVENT OF HELLGATE

Chelsie Viar and Sheryl Mawn rode over to the start line with us at 10:45. I would like to think, if interviewed, that Sheryl would say I was my least crazy ever, but I can at least say with certainty she would say I did start the race off with a donut. We took some photos and walked over to the start line. I mostly remember that I was uncertain about my choice of top and how heavy my pack felt, weighed down with all the possible solutions to the problems I had imagined leading up the race. After the anthem and a prayer we were off, at 12:01.

The first four miles, save for one or two small climbs, are pretty runnable at Hellgate. There's a bit of water by way of puddles especially if it has rained that day, and there are some rather unhappy dogs about mile 2. Other than that, not much to say. I took it easier here than last year and I felt pretty good.

I got to aid one and started walking, I didn't know anyone around me so I decided I wanted the company of my playlist going up Petits. My friends helped me build this playlist and I was genuinely excited to be out running and listening to it. Scott had given me some awesome wireless headphones and I brought my phone, on airplane mode, to hold the over 6 hours of music I had planned. The first few songs on the list were previous "Hellgate" songs, songs that I felt saved or carried me through previous hellgate races. They were a great little pick me up and I ran more of Petits road than I feel like I usually do. I felt I got to Petits, aid station 2, in a good place both mentally and in the race. It was 1:32 according to crew notes. 

Todd had made me, though I didn't want to have expectations of myself, write times down for when to expect me at aid stations, My goal to Petits was 1:40 so I was pleased, which was so much better than last year when I felt like I was racing previous splits and just failing all day long. 

I left Petits and was in a good mood, this next section is on somewhat technical trail and it is one of if not the hardest sections of the entire Hellgate course for me. it also began to rain through here, but thankfully the air temps made it so it wasn't too bad. I had been listening to music and got on Goff Mountain Road at 2:13. I started talking to Crystal Molner who ran Worlds End the same year I did and Martha Nelson. It was fun to have the company and we walked every step to Camping Gap. I usually try to run some but it felt good to just hike consistently. A few times really warm winds blew through which were unique and I felt, a time or two, that I was dressed too warmly. We made good time, and got to Camping Gap at 3:03, at this point I was feeling pretty good as I was making decent time based on previous years. 

It was STUPID windy at Camping Gap aid station. Michael Newhall was there getting on his Houdini but it was so bad here that I grabbed a few quesadilla pieces and some mountain dew and got out of there fast. I was concerned this was just the beginning of the wind, that it would be worse on the grassy road, but thankfully it was not. 

I walked a bit of the road to the grassy road, more than usual, but I felt I was being smart for my training. The grassy road, which is a somewhat long and tedious section, saw the quick fatiguing of my legs. At not even 4 am my legs were aching and just feeling done. Based on the limited training I understood them, I just kept working and refused to even think about how many miles were left. Just the next aid station. 

I saw Bethany Williams at the end of the grassy road, we train a bit together and I was surprised to see her. We both lamented that we were feeling a little tired. We ran some together but didn't do much talking. The next section, from the grassy road to Overstreet falls is my second least favorite section, note to self for future Hellgates, learn how to descend on technical trails! 

I mostly hiked up from Overstreet to aid station 4 at Floyd's/Headforemost. I was urged on by the excitement to see my crew, getting over the hardest third of the race and getting some pain meds, my legs were killing me. 

At the aid station I looked at my watch, the first time in hours, it was 5:20, exactly when I planned to be here yet I felt out of it, not tired really but a little overwhelmed, there's a bit of activity that goes on at this station and after being alone in the dark fog for so long it kind of derailed me on what I needed/wanted. I needed a new shirt so I went over to the van. I got pain meds and drank and ate a bit. I changed batteries in the waistlamp (thank you, Michael) and added a headlamp so I could descend better to Jennings. 

Leaving Floyd's my legs were aching and my stomach wasn't happy. I walked a bit that first mile or so, I had taken my music out before the aid station and decided I needed to go back to my wonderful playlist. It worked. I picked up the pace a little and tried to make good time. My legs, thankfully, so so thankfully, responded to this dose of ibuprofen and gave me a little reprieve. I figured that the pain would come back so to use it while I had it. 

I felt I was moving well but it still seems downhill forever to get to Jennings. I was on one mission the entire race and it was to get to Jennings in a good mood! Boy did that forever downhill (not my specialty) try and take that from me, but I would not let it! My waistlamp died about three miles into this section so I only had the headlamp which I think if I had both would have helped pick up the pace even more. Even so I got to Jennings ahead of my plan (6:36) and in a good mood.

I dropped the waistlamp and changed into a t-shirt here and Sam gave me some French toast sticks. I had some coke and cleared a little gear from the pack. I left with the first signs of daylight and probably should have just left my headlamp. I hiked a few minutes out on the uphill as my stomach was just overall not in a great place for most of the day and not at all happy after eating. But within a mile or so I started adding more running. 

The music helped a TON. I didn't have a lot of company though I saw Crystal and I think a female named Amy a bit on and off through here. Amy was very motivating, I would try and run when she did, just to break up the hiking. And the more I ran the more I felt I could keep running. After you go up a ways you turn on a trail where you go down and over to a road that you descend on (unhappy legs) to a trail. This trail, this short, beautiful trail is the highlight of Hellgate, if only it were longer. It's downhill but like butter I think they say. I do like butter. 

I got over to the road where Todd and crew were in the van. But I wouldn't even let them take my headlamp, though I was happy to see their faces. Todd said Jordan was four minutes up, I needed to go get him. I made the turn to Little Cove and tried to focus on catching Jordan to have some company. My legs were feeling oh so tired, my stomach oh so unhappy but I didn't let them effect me, I just worked on getting to the next aid station. 

It wasn't until I got to Little Cove that I saw Jordan who was with his buddy he calls Zipper. I was happy to have a little coke and some french toast and some friends to leave the aid station with. I looked at my watch for the time of day but it had died. My phone said 8:20, I hoped to get to Bearwallow in about two hours. 

The first half of this next section, which is about 8 miles, is awesome. It's a great grade for running. Then about halfway in the trail gets a little less and a little less friendly before taking you to a trail referred to as the "Devil's trail". It's not a terrible trail, it just isn't really much fun either. I was with Jordan until here, I just can never make the right hops, and the frustration leaves me mostly walking through here. My legs were aching again and my stomach was starting to growl. I had been running and chatting with Ryan who was going for Hellgate number 10! but near the end of this section I found myself alone and having the size of what was still looming up ahead (nearly 20 miles) starting to get to me. My legs just felt DONE. Thankfully I had crew and a pacer at Bearwallow. 

At Bearwallow, 10:22, I drank a whole 20 oz cherry coke and ate some beloved Panera mac and cheese. I took my time while my crew filled up my vest and emptied most of the unnecessary gear out of my pack. I got to chat with Wade and I felt in decent spirits just getting to see my friends but my legs were just so unhappy. Nothing specific just all over. I took more ibuprofen and hoped it would work it's magic again. 

Todd and I set off together out of Bearwallow. My stomach was unhappy with eating and drinking so much so quickly so we used the first climb to let my stomach settle. It does settle into a run after a time though and I ran whenever the grade made it possible. Nearer the end of the trail section from Bearwallow to Bobblets it gets a little more uphill before dumping you on to a service road. Here we found Jordan again. We ran with him to the aid station under the parkway at Bobblets. Scott came down a little from the aid station and hiked in with us too. Sam had all the wonderful fixings you expect and all the friends you wish you could just stay and hang out with, for they seemed to be having a right jolly old time as we went through. But instead I got a little coke and some pierogis and sent off on our way.

I really didn't want to doddle but my legs were feeling increasingly done. Despite this, I feel we ran harder than I would have run alone on the downhill to the forever section. But once on the forever section my body gave me more and more signs that it was done. I knew by this point that I could fairly certainly run a 15:30 as I had started to play with the math. I was not unhappy with this. But I was also being passed a lot as my legs gave further and further out. I imagine about ten or more runners passed me here including Marth Nelson and Bethany Williams. 

About this time my right leg started to cramp and I got really worried, as cramping is usually a hot race issue I have when I'm overexerting. Hellgate was warm but not hot and I hadn't felt I was overworking, just undertrained. However, coming into Day Creek I kicked a rock and my right leg cramped into a tense position, I tossed my bottle and some choice words. I was in the home stretch, but at Hellgate that home stretch is nearly a 10k. 

I wasn't in a great mood right then. I knew I had 15:30 or better nearly guaranteed if I didn't cramp up worse and yet I also knew that I was running to my slowest finish time. It's hard to push, with cramps, to your worst time. Bailey came with us, she ran the last section last year with me at Hellgate and wanted to come again. She chatted a bit which was nice as a distraction but everything was hurting.  A woman passed me, another was coming. But despite all of this, I didn't give up, I hiked with purpose, I drank some cherry coke I had put in my pack and I did not think about the downhill 5k I had next to run. 

When we got to the parkway the last thing I wanted was to run. I usually always find a little something for this last section. This year I don't feel like I found it. Todd says I ran well, I know we didn't walk, but the cramping had me nervous and the aching in my legs was unrelenting despite a third dose of pain meds at Day Creek. I pretty much just remember my bad toe aching, knowing it was blistered and trying to run in the clearest path through rocks. Then once the rocks thinned, focusing on the gate, where it the gate. Once we made it to the gate it was the mile to go sign. The familiar signs of coming home. 

I finished in 15:16, my eighth Hellgate, my now slowest time. But I finished with a wealth of knowledge about myself and no regrets for starting. 

It wasn't my best day and it wasn't my worst. I'm not even sure it's a very good tale, except that I'm sure that it's part of a larger one, that hopefully is. 

-Alexis