Last year I ran the Beast series, the Grindstone 100 was race #4, I spent the majority of the summer 'training' with Grindstone in mind, I ran more miles than ever before but when it came down to race day I felt I didn't perform. After the race I was a mess for the better part of a month, between my battered knees and bruised mental state. I relived the mistakes I had made over and over in my mind, fearing so many things, running other people's races, mentally quitting and not eating were among the top of the list.
This year didn't start off so well. Despite the Beast series ending well enough, my mental state was no better off, I drifted between highs and lows in the 50k season, being manic in both mood and training until the poor choices caught up with me and I had to finally take a break from running due to a shin injury. Registered but unable to run I had to sit out Promise Land. Worried that once I was able to return to running again I would be starting all over and with the Beast series out of the question I figured there would be no need to even think of Grindstone.
And yet, I couldn't shake the idea. It was incredible something that stressed me so would not leave my mind, I think there's some quote about not giving up on something you can't go a day without thinking about. So I signed up, again, for what would be my second attempt at the toughest race I've ever run.
But first I secured crew and pacers. Tyler and Jordan (my brother and sister {in-law}) agreed to crew me before I committed to running. Joe Alderson to pace. Last year I had a top notch crew but I thought that my brother and his wife could possibly be just as good, I needed to trust the people there, that they wouldn't let me quit.
So having just returned to running I set my sights on Grindstone. However, I was starting back from an injury and had to slowly ease my miles back up, I made a schedule and it just didn't work out to get mileage up as high as last year, not without risking more injury, so I reworked the numbers. Despite running overall less mileage I was able to still get the same amount of long runs and back to backs in as last year though I came out of the training cycle with about 100 miles less than last year at an average of 2 minutes per mile slower. I can't say that I trusted this plan, I felt undertrained and ill prepared.
About the same time as the taper approached I started reading a book, How Children Succeed by Paul Tough, one of the things that caught my attention was the work of Martin Seligman about optimism, that it was a trait that could be learned. It will come to no surprise to anyone who knows me that I am not a very optimistic person, I can be downright negative at times. I often joke that Todd is the idealist and I am the realist, that we balance each other nicely, and so on. I've never really given serious thought to the fact that my pessimistic outlook could be costing me. Or maybe if I did, I just assumed that was who I was, no reason or way to fix it. Then I started reading Seligman's book and I instantly saw myself in his case studies and I really didn't care for what I saw. Most importantly the fact that my pessimism could be spreading to my children.
And so I worked on my outlook, deciding to set goals for Grindstone and place in motion an optimistic explanatory style when dealing with adversity before and during the race. But these changes don't happen overnight. I pondered the possibility of breaking 26 hours, and then news of that silly storm Joaquin broke. I told myself that I had trained quite a bit before in rain, that I just had to plan for the different possibilities. I focused on getting everything in order and meeting with my crew and pacers (there were now 3), when Facebook became too focused on the upcoming storm I decided to take myself off social media for the next few days.
Then Freda called. She knew I was taking a break from Facebook.
"They've cancelled the race. Grindstone. It's cancelled. I'm looking at Facebook, Clark just posted 3 minutes ago." Then she read the whole post. "Go on Facebook and read it."
Why is Freda doing this to me? I honestly contemplated this. I got off the phone and just sat there. Numb. I checked Facebook. The race was cancelled. Then wait, maybe just postponed. It's hard to train for a 100 mile race, it's quite possibly harder to be tapering for that 100 and have it cancelled just two days before the race is set to begin. And yet despite the cancelling the possibility that you may have to run it, just a week later, hanging there. It didn't matter, my crew and pacers who had all lined up plans meticulously to help me couldn't make the following weekend. For me at least, I felt it was over. I started contemplating running Masochist 50 miler. I even planned a run with Joe to start the training that Sunday.
Then I got a message that the postponement to the next weekend was being worked through! We were going to get to run, more than likely, the following weekend. I went to Facebook, everyone was cheering and so excited, I was honestly a little mad. My crew and pacers were gone. I had mentally changed gears. I told Todd is the race got rescheduled for the following weekend I wasn't running. I couldn't.
And yet, I knew that wasn't true.
Driving across town for a run, that I clearly needed, I had some of the best thoughts, the ones I get when I go for a drive alone. Why? Why are you so mad this race is going on, Alexis? Because you aren't hungry for it. Those people on Facebook are happy because they are hungry for their race. You aren't and that's a problem. Work harder. If you focus this extra week could benefit you more than anyone else. Do the work.
Immediately, I texted my sister and asked (pleaded?) if she would crew and pace me. I texted my brother who had graciously signed on for crewing months before, we need to talk about the weekend. They both called me immediately. Tyler said they had been talking, they had come up with several contingency plans, as for one, he could come down (they live in Pittsburgh) on Thursday if I could meet them halfway (they only have one car) and his wife, Jordan, would drive down that Friday night after working all day. What if we rent you a car I asked, worried about all of us driving so much in the hours before the 100 and, for Todd and I, being away from our children even longer. That could work, he said. My sister jumped on board without hesitation even going so far as to try and line up new pacers for me.
When it was made official I was still a little worried about the pacer situation but I tried to get over my selfish self and see the good, that my friends doing the Beast would get to run Grindstone. I clearly wasn't working hard enough at the positive explanatory style yet.
Changing from pessimism to optimism, isn't something that can be done overnight like I've already mentioned and I had only just bought the book. But to give you an idea of just how dark this mind of mine is I quit Grindstone about 27 times. They all just happened to be in the training.
On countless occasions we were out on long runs, like that one night training run we did on the Peaks, and it would get hard, and I would quit. I would ruminate about how I just couldn't do it. I would go through the scenarios in my mind. My knees would ache and I would just know I couldn't finish. I wouldn't be climbing very well one day, and I just knew I couldn't finish. As my running partners ran on unaware of the darkness in me, I would go through the whole scenario in my head, feeling it must be better to quit before than during. But every time I knew that more than not finishing I couldn't tell Todd or Kevin or Tyler that I wasn't going to try. Telling them that I wouldn't run hurt so much worse than the fear of failing did. To fail because I wouldn't risk trying just seemed like the most offensive act possible.
Sunday morning, the week of Grindstone, Tyler texted me pictures of their pantry remodel they'd gotten to work on with the extra weekend off and the news that they'd rented a car, they were in for Grindstone! I hadn't secured any pacers and Erin's attendance hung in the air as we tried to get her a ride to Swoope in the later afternoon the day of the race, but I had a crew!
Instead of the Masochist training run we had contemplated we ran at Candlers that evening. It wasn't a very good run. My new Garmin was frustrating me and the group got a little turned around. We found ourselves bushwacking up a very steep hill. My left achilles started hurting. You're going to get injured again. You can't do Grindstone. Who are you kidding? You don't have any pacers. You can't make it through all that pain. You just can't do it.
But Tyler, Jordan and Erin are arranging so much to make it to crew for you. You can't tell them that has all been in vain, because you're just afraid of trying.
Besides, they'd already rented a car.
They were coming. And I was going to run. That was the last time I thought about quitting the 2015 Grindstone 100.
-Alexis
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