The consideration that his claim may have no basis in fact made no difference. His words had already been swallowed by my ears and were being digested by my brain.
"You could have run sub 5:30, you're faster than me... Maybe next year."
Maybe.
Of course, I could do any number of stupid things between now and then. But for now the state of things is that my poor choices and obsessive personality have once again conjoined to do me in, the race that could have been will no longer be, not this year.
But the race will go on and I'm swimming in a sea of questions; Am I? Is it? How can we? How can we not?
Will I race, any race, at Terrapin?
Believing that I may in fact be on the mend, but still suffering from slight weakness, tightening, I am afraid of every step I take but just as afraid to not take these steps. Wondering if it weren't this muscle, would it just be that knee? This foot? Will there always be some lump in my throat, some damaging fear in my arsenal?
And which race are we even really talking about, is it the one looming in six days or the one that beckons closer every day, arriving the last weekend in June? I'm so frightened, have been ever since the morning after Hellgate when I was properly rested and first allowed the effects of my whimsical decision to drop my name in the lottery to take hold, I'd signed up for and subsequently been chosen for a race I fear I've no real place to partake in. More questions in the sea of what's to be; Can I? Will I?
I've most likely been given a once in a lifetime shot, you don't just walk away even if you're riddled with fear, even the crippling, fatiguing fear of failure. All I need is a chorus of "Not you, not now, not ever" to complete the scene, my utter lack of self-confidence versus the need to prove myself, which will overcome? And there are other fears, pulling and pushing in every direction. The fear of regret. The fear of being seen as reckless, stupid, foolhardy. The fear of disappointment.
I digress, though parallels in my mind, the focus, at the moment, is on Terrapin.
Terrapin is less than a week away, I intend to participate, to complete the 50k. Neither fast or slow I don't see myself as particularly talented, I am just a runner with a profound competitive drive and a little bit of heart to match. I'm in no place to win or set speed records, but I'm driven to compete in next weekend's event for a handful of reasons, but namely, simply because I want to.
Scratch that, upon further reflection the word I mean to use, is need. I need to go out next weekend. I need to know for my own sake and satisfaction that I can be smart, run easy, listen to my body and manage any pain within the 'run through' limits. I need this experience. Understanding that I may in fact do further damage or be seen as stupid is not enough to compel me to change my mind. The stronger other's argument that I shouldn't may become the more the need to becomes, you're pushing me into the arms of my star crossed love with every well aimed criticism. Might you know me better than I know myself? I desire this finish in a way words would fail to convey, in a manner that is felt but cannot be described.
Not running would take me out of the LUS but that weighs ultimately rather low, I know I'm not trained to run like I was hoping and that my personality is such that I may face great effort in overcoming the inability to race. Truth is, I can't even promise I won't shift into race gear should the leg give me the green light. However, I am struggling not with the decision to race but with the opinion I am gathering is forming now that I've decided to go through with the race. People whose advice I do respect but don't necessarily want to follow, the fact that there are people who think I am foolish, stupid. The looming "I told you so's" should I further injure myself or fail to finish. Between the draw of the race and fear of your disappointment I'm once again drowning in doubt and self-loathing.
But you see, I know me. I know my own regrets and what I don't regret is any race I've ever run, because I know how they turned out, I know what I put into them, what I got out of them. Even that 5k at Liberty several weeks back, I honestly hold no regret, I know I made the choice and there was no other way it could have gone. I gave it everything I could and to my crazy, delusional self there is success of a certain nature in that. There is a whisper, it is telling me I have to give Terrapin a try. I have to see how it all turns out. Maybe I won't finish, maybe I'll have to quit, but then I will know that I couldn't finish, that I had to quit.
More than ever before it may just be that the odds are in favor of failing and in my own mind, I need to test the waters and risk how the failing may feel in order to go forward with Western States.
-Alexis
No comments:
Post a Comment