Hellgate 100k
December 9, 2017 12:01 a.m.
Glasgow to Fincastle, Virginia
"Go do, you'll know how to
Just let yourself, fall into landslide"
-Jonsi
I've been quite a nervous wreck the days and hours preceding Hellgate but this year was quite different. I really had no idea what I was capable of running. I felt under trained to the point of not even feeling like a 'runner' anymore. But the simple fact was I was registered for Hellgate and my husband, Todd, would not accept me bowing out when I really wanted to over Thanksgiving weekend.
I was calm. Steve Higgins was going to crew. Sheryl Mawn was going to ride over to the start with us. I had my gear. This was not my first Hellgate. I knew exactly what I would need to do. At one point Todd joked to someone about my splits being like clockwork. I like routine, I crave reliability.
I think in some ways I would 'settle' forever if I could be guaranteed an ok day.
I wasn't nervous. I had my gear in order, more than I needed, everything I wanted.
It was cold, but we've had colder, last year. The snow that had me slightly concerned during the afternoon wasn't even present at the start. I was a little unsure of how many layers to wear. Todd, Kevin and Sheryl all weighed in.
Chelsie was in a great mood, she was hurrying me up out of the car for a pre-race picture. And I'm glad she did, that is part of the pre-race fun. After pictures we all headed over to the start.
Todd gave me a quick pep talk and a hug, we exchanged warm wishes, we figured for a multitude of reasons we wouldn't be running much of the race together.
As usual the last few minutes flew and also crept by in only the way that minutes before something grand can. Then we were off. And the first few miles were easy enough and perhaps a bit fun. I was cold and then hot and then there was Todd to help me with getting my houdini off and stashed away for later. The glasses I wore last year for all of Hellgate kept fogging over. It was both cold and hot. I was sweating and my toes were throbbing from the cold.
At the creek crossing I tried to use the rocks, they were slick, I slipped a little and just walked through the cold water the rest of the way across. Then it was further then I remembered to the aid station and I thought about how I mistake some of this race for other runs and races. At aid one you take a left turn and head up a gravel road to Petits Gap. The first few minutes of this road running were ok, as usual I found the legs to run more than I would have imagined, I was moving ok.
But then I started to walk. And it was cold. And my legs ached. Masochist. Too much racing and no training, I thought. And then I wondered "Why did I sign up for this? I'm in over my head." And then, as is SO common it irritates me I mentally started to crumble, "I can't do this today. I'm not trained. It's above me. I should just be helping Steve crew Todd and Kevin. That's what I'll do, they'll just have to understand. Then I felt like I was going to cry, biting my lip and honestly trying to fight off the ugly, knowing it was ugly. I thought about quitting, about sleep and warm cars, about it being ok to quit because I just wasn't prepared to run 65 miles. I tried to convince myself that it was ok to quit.
Then Todd caught back up with Kevin and I who were walking and he asked how we were doing. I didn't respond. I thought about how I wasn't going to tell either of them that I was done, it was unfair to unload and possible effect their moods with my own. They would just have to understand at the aid station.
Earlier in the run, about 2 miles in, I told Kevin that if I could keep Todd in sight I was going to try to follow him on the downhill to Camping Gap Road which is one of the nastiest and ugliest parts of the whole course. As Todd passed us Kevin asked if I wanted to try and keep Todd in sight as he started to pull ahead running. I told him no. I thought I'm not even going to run that section now.
Horton will never allow you into Hellgate again if you DNF.
And you'll lose your Western States qualifier.
I wanted to tell myself I didn't care about either of those things, but I did, and I do. And I believed those thoughts. So I told myself that I had to get through Petits. I had to just keep moving. I went through the next few hours in my mind and was glad that the aid station at Floyd's was now moved due to the Parkway closing and that I wouldn't be able to 'quit' again until Jennings. By Jennings I would just have to get my head together.
So I started to pick it up, just a little, tried to keep with Todd. We came into Petits, the three of us together at just after 1:30 am. Steve did great having all three of his runners there together at the same time. He gave me Mountain Dew and I swapped out my hat with a visor for a stocking cap. I dropped off my empty bottle of Tailwind and headed out. Todd was gone by this point, moving through that aid station in a way that argues the reputation he has for aid station loitering. I had to run the downhill without his pull. I vowed to run it hard anyways. It was rocky but it wasn't as bad as I recalled. I caught and passed Jeremy Peterson, he said Alissa was killing it and I remarked about his fun Santa Hat. I tried to move swiftly over the trail and I think I did well enough. Nearing the trickiest turn in the whole course where you turn right onto part of the Terrapin Course I caught up with a sizable group concerned that the course had been jeopardized and we had missed our turn. Through the group I saw Todd who found and made the correct turn. So without any missed time I made that turn but noticed there were at least three people who had missed the turn and were coming back uphill. I recalled being really worried about this very turn my first year.
Just as we made the turn Todd stepped aside. Turns out he was having trouble with his light but I didn't come to find that out until much later. I thought he was pulling over to use the restroom. I ran again hard through here for me. I had a large group of guys behind me so I tried to push so they didn't feel I was slowing them down. I made the turn onto Hunting Creek Road at 2:12 am. That is the exact same time I made it in 2013, the other snow year, and just about this time it started to snow, again. I was already in a different place mentally since Petits Gap road, I was now on to finishing.
I stopped to use the restroom and I pulled out my iPod. I started to think about the race, about racing in general. About all the people.
So many people had spoken during the day and hours leading up to Hellgate how 'fun' it was going to be, how 'excited' they were, how 'adventurous' it was going to be. These words were said again and again by many different people. Were they lying? I wasn't excited. This wasn't fun. Why couldn't I look forward and enjoy Hellgate?
I turned my iPod on at this point. And "Go do" by Jonsi came on. It was dark, and cold, snow was falling, it was an open gravel road with people ahead and behind me. But it was PERFECT. In this simple moment I seized what was right before me. I love this. I mean truly love the simple act of running, that I alone can do it. THIS is what I love. But this is what I rob of myself. The very enjoyment that I seek. And I know what it is.
Expectation. What I think others expect but really what I EXPECT from me. And I broke that down. I decided right there to throw it all out. Expectation, finishing times, goals, everything and just run. I listened to my music and I ran and I walked and I contemplated if it was snow or dust, dust or snow and my mind travelled to other places and things and I was very content in the moving, in the knowing that whatever my day looked like, it would truly be ok. That the people who love me would love me no matter what I could do, would do.
I got to Camping Gap at 2:55 am, I was happy with that. I got some grilled cheese and mountain dew, I hadn't eaten anything since the start, was just drinking Tailwind and wanted to eat some real food. It didn't go down great but I said thank you and kept moving. I ran every step to the grassy road and then I took walk breaks but tried to just be steady and enjoy the running.
Kevin had been running with me from the start. I don't think I had said six words to him. Finally, I felt good enough to speak. I told him about my rough patch, about how I don't know if all of those people are telling the truth but I want to be excited about running and I think the only way to do it is truly just do it for me. Whatever that means. And right then it just meant running fluid through the woods.
But the talking helped and we were moving well. Then Kevin stopped to go to the restroom and I heard this loud scream and I turned to see Todd running up giving Kevin a shout and a smack on the rear (pre-bathroom break I believe/hope). Todd said he had been chasing us for miles, since the Terrapin trail, he said we were running well. We fell in with him and just ran along in the beautiful snowfall. This was a lot of fun, I enjoyed this. And before long the grassy section was over, I took out some Lemon Oreos and Todd pulled ahead and out of sight. I ran trying to reel him back in to Overstreet Falls but he moves across rocks like water.
I was thankful to hear the creek in the darkness and finally see the lights of the aid station ahead, it is a shame to lose the crew access but it's also nice to have that aid two miles sooner. Clifton Williams crew was set up here and he offered me everything you expect from a cold, night race: broth, peirogies, quesadillas, grilled cheese and MASHED POTATOES! They were my favorite food of the whole run. I love to suck the potato filling out of the peirogies so mashed potatoes were perfect for me. After some mountain dew I was off and headed up to the closed Parkway.
I crossed over the parkway at 5:05 am, for having already gone through the aid station that is a pretty good time for me, probably the best time I've ever made it there. In 2013, my last snow year when the aid station was similarly moved due to snow I made it here in 5:25. I felt good about that.
The next section is hard for me, HARD hard. It's when my body usually gets done and really wants sleep but it's also downhill for several miles over rocky, somewhat technical terrain. I was running along getting really tired and trying to move as FAST as possible because I read once that will wake you up. Well, it doesn't work. And I swear I was running 'fast asleep' as this headlamp and runner passed by me and woke me up. I looked back and Kevin was gone, no one but the flying runner ahead of me. I stopped to go to the bathroom and still no Kevin. I went on down the trail but the being startled awake and Kevin being gone served to wake me some. I ran about as hard as I could down the trail. I tried to move fast enough that my feet weren't staying long on any unstable rocks but I still turned my ankles again and again.
Kevin caught up with me and I just tried to pick it up even more. I wanted real food and to see Steve at Jennings. My right hip were beginning to hurt and both of my knees were aching. I wanted some meds and just to stop at an aid station for a couple of minutes. I wanted coffee.
A few minutes before the aid station I was moving so fast over the open service grassy road wondering and looking off to the side to see if I could catch a glimpse of Jennings when I fell in a mud creek running across the course. I went DOWN, hard and fast on the right hip. I instantly feared it would make the hip worse but miraculously it seemed to calm the hip down as now the whole right side hurt like hell. Thankfully, no blood, no torn or broken limbs, back up and moving as fast as I could.
I made it to Jennings in about 6:15, again the quickest I've ever made it here. At this point, I felt like I was running just to run, I was having fun, I was feeling exactly what I wanted, that I was in charge of my day, and that it was becoming a good one. Something I've always wanted but never had at Hellgate.
Jennings Creek was awesome!! There were Christmas lights and inflatables, there were tons of people and so many there offering me things. Blake asked if I wanted to sit down and I said no. I saw Amy Albu, the first female I had seen in HOURS, and it reminded me that I was 12th, Steve later siad I was 11th there. Don and Steve were on it, getting me everything I needed as quickly as they could. I took 3 ibuprofen and drank mountain dew. Blake offered me my husband's tater tots and I accepted and asked how long ago he'd left the aid station. He just laughed and said he's right there. I looked over to see beside the chair they had offered me was Todd. He was quiet. I immediately felt awful that I hadn't even noticed my own husband! Clearly I was more out of it than I felt. He got up and left, saying bye to Kevin but not to me which hurt my feeling slightly but I figured it was possibly because I slighted him slightly.
I got more Tailwind and Don informed me that I was not drinking as well as I thought. Sam Price offered me some broth and I took it, it was so hot and lovely. Leaving the aid station Wade offered me a bit of a Mimosa and I declined. But then I thought, what the hell and went back for a sip. I toasted with another Mimosa drinker who may or may not have existed? Either way, it was fun.
I left out of the aid station with Kevin. It was just after 6:20 and I felt great, considering. I was surprised how dark it was and for how long up that climb it was dark. I've never left Jennings with so much darkness left. It felt good. I started to think about how well I was moving just running. I really appreciated that. I was enjoying the day, I wasn't running too hard and I wasn't chasing anyone or anything.
Todd was gone, we could see Amy a time or two in long stretches. From Jennings you go up a long road. Up and up and up. Then you go around a little gate onto a trail that is somewhat flat and you run over to a road that is down, down, down. At the end of the down there is another little gate to the right. Here is one of my three favorite spots in Hellgate. It's a short trail that takes you over to yet another gravel road up to Little Cove Mountain. But this little trail is stunning on a good day. And a snowy winter morn is a good day. It was the most amazing I have ever seen it. We passed Amy here and then later Todd, he just moved aside and said keep on I tried to apologize for my unintentional slight at Jennings he just said we were running great and told me to keep it up, I knew he meant it. The trees were snow covered and in patches it was like running through the likes of the frozen Narnia. It was possibly the highlight of my day.
Much to soon it was over. We were back on a road and there were a few cars and we made the turn up to Bobblets. A few minutes later there was Wade running up alongside us, at first I literally had no idea where he had come from, then it dawned on me that he must have been in one of the cars. He gave us bright smiles and good cheer and headed back down the road we had just begun on. Kevin shared a frozen but delicious Take 5 candy bar with me and we talked a few minutes. Most of the time we were just running alongside each other without a word between us.
We saw, caught and passed a few runners including another female. We made it to Little Cove at 7:54 am. Again, I had never been here before 8 am. I was convinced now that despite feeling out of shape I was moving well for me. At the aid station I drank mountain dew and asked about Brenton, he was in 12th there they said, I was 7th or 8th or somewhere, they couldn't be bothered with letting me know, it was kind of funny and I was thankful that I really didn't care. I figured I was somewhere between 8th and 12th.
We left the aid station and I looked at my watch. It was 7:56 am. I felt pretty good. I want to make Bearwallow in two hours, I told Kevin. If I could, that too would be the best time for me. I figured I wasn't going to be fast but I could be steady. And so I was. And it wasn't in my mind fast, my watch says I stayed fairly stead around 11-12 minute miles. I started for the first time all day to steadily pass other runners. This section, usually one of my LEAST favorites, that takes you to the Devil Trail and ultimately to Bearwallow, was beautiful on Saturday. It also felt EASY. It has never felt easy. The snow probably helped.
The only thing that wasn't easy was my freezing, aching feet. I told Kevin I was worried they were too cold and were going to cause me trouble with 5-6 hours left to run. He advised that I don't plan on changing them at Bearwallow because they were going to be cold and wet regardless. My first ipod died, then my headphones, thankfully Kevin had a back up pair on him that he loaned me. We got on some trail and I nearly tripped and face planted but caught myself a foot before the ground, the freezing feet were worrying me, if I can't feel my feet I can't move dangerously over technical ground as well.
But still we gained and caught more runners. There was a good group of us who met the Devil Trail at the same time. The Devil trail was just different this year. It wasn't easier or harder, it was both. There were spots that I think the snow made easier but then there were portions where the snow and leaves made it much more slicker and testy than other times I've run it.
I was through the Devil Trail quick enough, I was focused on making it to Bearwallow. I crossed the creek not worrying too much about the water but still managing to cross with dry enough feet. Then up the hill, across the road and over to the path that takes us to see Horty. I figured I was so far down from the front women that he might not even be there. Then I noticed Kevin was gone again. I looked back and up ahead and there were two women.
Turned out it was Amy Ruseicki and her friend who she introduced to me, Kelsey Allen. I had seen Amy's name on the list but hadn't seen her pre-race so wasn't even sure she was there. She said they had opted for naps and bringing in dinner in place of the pre-race festivities. Probably a smart move.
I told her I was becoming more and more hopeful of a sub 14 hour day as I was running towards the best time to Bearwallow by 20 minutes! If I could maintain that I could PR.
We came into Bearwallow at 9:37 am. That is nearly an hour faster than my first year and nearly 20 minutes faster than I had last year. I was stoked. Something about getting to Bearwallow. It's like the point in the race where it really changes from "can I?" to "I will!!". At least for me.
And I was in top mental shape here. I mean I felt good! Horton told us we were 5th, 6th and 7th. I was surprised to hear I had finally gotten that close to the top females and yet also surprised that getting there at 9:37 am I was 7th. Oh well, can't control who shows up, can only control what you can run, right?
Maybe.
So anyways, I am in a good place, I have Clifton offering me warm broth, quesadillas, peirogies, Opal has warm mac and cheese for us, Steve had mountain dew and all of my gear, Don was taking pictures and Sophie came over and told me that I was the closer and that I had this. That felt good, I want to be the closer. I got antsy. I wanted 5th, or BETTER! I told Kevin I had to get going.
I left, ahead of Amy and Kelsey and Kevin. I left on a mission. I was feeling ok other than my feet and knees. But who isn't hurting at Bearwallow? I was trying to make light work out of the next section. The path to Bobblets is MY section! It is my very, most favorite!! Except there are more hills than I remembered. And so. Much. Damn. Snow. And there's Amy and her friend coming.
I was racing. I wanted to move ahead. Maybe catch other runners. Other women. I tried to run. And when Amy was right there I tried to run harder.
Thing is. I couldn't shake them. I started to slip. I fell down. I had to stop and use the bathroom. I was becoming a mess.
By the time we made it to the road to Bobblets I realized something. I wasn't having fun anymore. I had been before Bearwallow. Then I got all wrapped up in a top spot and was having less and less fun. But I didn't let it get me down. I realized and accepted that I had pushed and maybe too hard and was feeling now like I had less than ever to give. But I just kept moving. It will be a good day if you do your best. Amy and Kelsey passed me and I settled back into my own day.
At Bobblets I saw many friendly faces, Tony, Joe, Sam, Gina, Blake, Anna. They gave me broth with rice and I let myself stand there with my friends for a few minutes and take in the cold morning in the woods. It was just after 11 am I believe, my watch said 51.8, their sign said 49. Kevin and I left yet again together.
We were walking out of the aid station and my legs felt so done. I was pretty mad at myself for running too hard the previous section. I still had 15 miles to run. I didn't think I could do it in 3 hours but I thought I could in less than 4. We walked for too long down a hill but I couldn't get my legs to move. I stopped for the restroom and finally found a little spark to get the legs to go. But it was at a ten minute pace, downhill.
We finally made the turn into the 'Forever section'. Mentally and physically I knew I had challenges ahead.
Ipod two died. Just on a good song too. I was the dead moving forward. I was a little disappointed that one six mile section going too hard could do me in, but then I also figured it was less than usual training on top of it. My knees were SO unhappy. I did well to keep it together here I think. Usually I have some really low spots here. I wasn't thrilled by any means but I accepted the responsibility that I hadn't trained like I could have and should have, that I ran too hard racing the last section, that I get carried away between who I am, could maybe be.
So it was bad,but not too bad. I told Kevin to go on, he went around me but then he looked back a time or two. A mile or so into this section he told me he didn't know where I would finish placement wise but he said he thought we could do 14 hours still. Every mile on my watch was saying over 17 minutes. I didn't think we could. I wasn't unhappy about that. There's always next year. We can do 14:30, that is a great time.
We were moving along, and I was still trying my hardest and it hurt, and my knees yelled louder still. I told Kevin to go on, he could and should break 14 hours. But he didn't disappear. It was a long, arduous journey through the weaving in and out to Day Creek, usually I like this ok, on this I didn't. We also found some of the thickest snow and leaves on the whole course.
Meghan Hicks caught us going into Day Creek, I had never met her, but I knew who she was, she was very friendly and kind. We kind of stayed with her but she got in and out of Day Creek before we even got there.
At Day Creek there were SO many familiar, cheering faces, Dennis, Melissa, Opal, Steve, Rhonda, Dana, Cam, Mike, they all were so positive and helpful, they said and offered all the things that are perfect. I didn't argue when they told me I could be 5th, that I was the closer and only 3 minutes separated me from 5th. I didn't want to unload about my knees and feet. They fed me mountain dew and helped me out of my jacket and pack and gave me a bottle for the road home.
I left Day Creek at 12:48. I thought my chances of breaking 14 were absolutely shot. I hd taken myself out of the running by being overzealous earlier. I would do the very best I had left, whatever my knees could give me. I was freezing and my hot hands were no longer working. A few yards out Kevin said he was going to walk to the parkway, about 2.2 miles. At first I wanted to argue, but then I felt my body and it said it didn't have a run in it left uphill. So I swung my arms and hiked with everything I could. Hiking hurt the knees but not as bad as running did.
I started to think about the time, started to wonder if I could pull off 14. I knew I would be disappointed if I ran 14:01, would second guess 60 seconds. Would have to wait a whole year to try again. So I drank a little Tailwind (which has mostly been amazing for me over these past few months) and hiked with purpose and mentally prepared to run the downhill until I either puked, cramped or finished. That bit about it being a goal to be able to walk Sunday, forget it, no longer important. I wanted to be able to tell Todd I had finally broke the 14 hour barrier, something he has told me for years I should be able to do.
We got to the parkway just after 13:30. As I walked across the closed parkway I wondered if I could run those final miles in under 30 minutes. How fast can you run a 5k after 60+ miles on no sleep, Alexis? Let's find out!
At least it's all downhill.
And off I went. Music on, legs doing there best to move, they didn't let me down. I passed Amy Talmadge headed back up the trail, flying UP! I passed a male runner and then, around the gate I passed Amy and Meghan, Amy cheered me on and told me I had the PR in the bag, I told her I really wanted the sub 14, she told me I had that too. But just in case, I pushed even harder. At the mile to go sign I had less than ten minutes, I pushed so hard, so scared that something would happen and I woul just barely miss it. Even through the camp I looked at my watch a dozen times I feel like.
Finally, the finish, 13:56:20, a 17 minute PR from last year and the first goal ALL YEAR that I have hit and I had totally put it aside these past few weeks figuring the training just wasn't there for it. I finished 6th female which is one spot from a 'podium' finish at Hellgate but it was a tough year. Top 8 females were under 14 hours this year. I am good with my time and my place.
The rest of the afternoon is really what I love about Hellgate, the slow shuffle back and forth to cheer in our friends and share race stories, pictures and pizza. I always forget just after midnight why I'm there but always remember come Saturday why Hellgate is special.
A few weeks ago I did a long run. On the long run I thought about Hellgate, I always joke that I hate Hellgate, that the only thing I LIKE about Hellgate it having FINISHED Hellgate. On that particular long run I gave Hellgate a good, hard thought. What if, it turns out, I thought, that Hellgate is actually my favorite? I shared the thought with Todd, he agreed that somewhere in my hard interior I have some love for Hellgate I just don't share outloud.
So there it is, Masochist suits me and my strengths and I really love it in its way, but I think, at the end of the day, Hellgate is my favorite ultra. It encompasses all of the things that I really truly love about ultras, it's hard in such a way that it never gets easy. It has all of these special people who volunteer their time and lose sleep. It starts in all darkness that you must endure to come out the other side into a daybreak that only serves to then remind you how comforting the darkness of night really was. It's all there, the ups and downs, the beautiful trails and the unsteady ones too.
A friend told me on Monday in such a way, that I belonged there, at Hellgate. It's quite possibly the nicest thing anyone has ever said about my running. I've read a lot of books and I've had a lot of thoughts that lead me to believe, that at the end of the day, all we really want is to belong someplace. If that's at Hellgate, well, that thought makes me pretty happy.
And that's a thing I've been longing to be.
