Mountain Masochist
Saturday, November 4, 2017
Monroe to Montebello, Virginia
This past Saturday was my fifth Masochist. I went back and forth on whether or not not to register until a friend nearly twisted my arm to get me to sign up. Brenton said it would hurt my Hellgate race in December, I worried not running Masochist would hurt my Hellgate. In the end, for better or worse, I couldn't bear the reality of skipping MMTR if I could run it.
And I tried to talk myself out of it. Really I did. Between a nagging calf injury that just won't quiet down from Iron Mountain and a depressing month of October that included the passing of my grandmother, I was still ready to sit it out come Friday morning the day before. But it just felt like haunts from my childhood returning, where I quit before ever having to try. In an ongoing effort to be a better version of me I didn't want to not try. I wanted quite the opposite, I wanted to go hard.
But training hadn't gone as planned. I didn't think there was even a shot at a PR and I was nervous that I could even pull off a 9:30 on the training I had. So what did I do? I went to my log books from 2012 when I had never run a 50 miler, when I had even less of an idea of what I was doing. I didn't run mega miles or much track work. But I wanted something. I went for it. That was my one and only plan for this year's MMTR, just try.
I didn't run for ten solid days before MMTR, I thought little about the run, I didn't look up who else was running with the exception of a friend sharing the seeds with me, I didn't break down splits, I didn't plan my nutrition, I didn't make a list of reasons I could do it. I had just a few simple thoughts. I have experience, I know I can run Masochist. I want to be someone my children can look up to, I want to do my best whatever that meant. I wanted to test myself mentally and win.
I didn't set out clothes or measure a single bag of tailwind until 10 pm Friday. I didn't let top 10 worry me, but thought if I could pull off 9:30 I could do top ten and get a nice jacket. I scrambled in less than 20 minutes to gather all the gear I would need for a ten hour day. Chelsie told me earlier in the week that I was tough. I like the idea that I could be tough. And as little as I wanted to run 50 miles on Friday when I went to sleep I knew I would run 50 miles the next day.
This is not to suggest I was in a bad place, in many ways it is the opposite. I vowed to not let my head get the better of me. I knew my training wasn't where it has been going into previous MMTR's, I knew that my calf was a threat, I knew that my own self doubt was a bigger threat. I went into the weekend trying to hold on to the idea that I can do hard things in spite of all of that heavy self doubt. I had a good time with good friends on Friday evening at the dinner at Camp Blue Ridge, saying hello to friends from near and far. It is mainly this, I focused on, that brings me back. I love these people.
Saturday I was up at 4:30 am, quickly got dressed and went to eating. I ate four slices of Cinnamon Toast, something I think I only ever eat anymore before MMTR. It begins with eating, I told myself. Todd got the kids up who were all coming out to crew for the first time. They've volunteered before and a few have crewed but never all four. I was looking forward to having them out there, I figured they would help me hold my head together in any low spots at aid stations. Kevin Corell met us here at 5 am and we loaded up and headed to the KOA in Amherst.
We pulled in behind the Wilson's and went to check in and fit in restroom breaks. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't ready to run so long and hard but I wasn't unsure either as confusing as all of that sounds, it makes sense to me. I knew the goal was 9:30 if I could make it. I trusted if there was a way I would find it.
We were off before we were even able to grab a group Blue Ridge Trail Runners photo. I had my Mountain Hardwear vest stocked with an iPod and a few gels and a 20oz. bottle of Berry Tailwind. I had a new Storm headlamp and an old buff. Pretty soon I realized it was too warm for the buff and pulled it off before we had run a mile.
As expected with me, I didn't feel good on Pera Road. Everyone always seems to be racing and even though I am wearing a bib I never seem to have the legs for that first power haul. I tried to settle in and not care but I will admit a time or two I felt a little huffy and perturbed. At the turnoff to the service road I thought I would find more of a 'flow'. But my forehead and new headlamp were struggling to work together and I must have adjusted that headlamp 150 times. It was at least distracting I suppose. Kevin Corell had been running with me from the start but then Steve Higgins showed up. We joked and chatted for a couple of minutes and I asked Steve if he had seen Jeremy Peterson that morning when Jeremy says "I'm right here." It made me smile that he was right there in the dark. I was happy to be running alongside fellow BRTRs. I was happy when the sun started to come up. I was happy when we made the right hand turn to the "loop" that takes you to aid one.
But then I met a rock and turned my foot and pulled something like a tendon in my left foot. It hurt. I met a few more rocks, I didn't remember the loop seeming so technical and rocky. I got a little sour. I felt like I was trying to push but I couldn't find my grove. I was focusing on the foot. Kevin mentioned something about taking ibuprofen. I knew I needed to shake whatever I was carrying off.
Coming into aid one I decided I was going to music early. I just needed the distraction. Kevin mentioned painkillers again and I told him my iPod was going to be my painkiller for the time being. Steve pulled ahead as the road began to climb. Rick Gray passed by with a cheery hello as always. I put my iPod on and stored my headlamp and told myself to get working.
It worked. Immediately. With my music in I knew I wouldn't make for good company, but today wasn't going to work out the way I hoped if I couldn't pull my head into the race. I ran up that road pretty good and in the next couple of miles I passed 7-8 females so I probably wasn't running quite as well as I thought in those first 8 miles.
I was moving pretty good for me and wondering how long it would take to get to Dancing Creek and see Todd and the kids. I couldn't remember what it usually takes but I figured just over two hours. I tried to pick it up a little more. I came into Dancing Creek at 1:55, I thought that was GREAT! I was stoked, my bottle of Tailwind empty, I was proud of me, I had gotten into the race, drank well and arrived before I thought I would. Crossing the creek Sean (my son) handed me a new bottle full of Tailwind and Todd yelled just drop your bottle I'll get it. Todd kept me moving right through the aid station. He was pushing me out and I was like "I feel good, I think I'm doing good?" and he says, "You're ok. You're doing fine. You need to keep moving."
I knew enough that ok and fine were not synonyms for great and amazing. I was a little bummed. I had to keep on moving, my mood was a little like the trail through here with slight up and downs, I took a GU and drank my Tailwind, my bottle was halfway gone by the time I reached Parkway Gate. I went over to the aid station looking for mountain dew, my first time that day when Allen, Blake's dad says, "You need to pick it up if you're going to win this thing." And I responded, "I'm not winning today so it's ok." and there was a little banter back and forth. Not my finest hour. But I really was trying. It was hard to hear suggestions that I wasn't doing better in people's eyes.
In the next mile or so I focused on the fact that I knew things others don't. I knew that I was trying, I knew I came in under trained, I knew expectation gets to me more than it should, I knew that I needed to keep working, that if I kept working it would all work out. I ran up to Robinson Gap well in my mind. I ran way more than I walked. I finished my bottle of Tailwind and took time to really take in the absolutely beautiful fall colors. I personally find Masochist falls at a perfect time of year, parts of that course, if the weather has been favorable, are absolutely stunning.
I got to Robinson Gap in 3 hours, in retrospect that is not my fastest. I filled my bottle with Mandarin Tailwind and drank some Mountain Dew. I left that aid station just behind two girls. They killed the downhill, I tried to stay close but knew that my legs couldn't stand too much a beating and hold up in the second half so I tried to balance between hard and sustainable. That was honestly a little slower than I would like to run in the future.
Rick Gray, Kevin and a female from Alexandria were running along the roads at a fairly quick pace as the road leveled out some and Horton drove up in his white truck, "First loser!" he said to me. I laughed it off with Horton and then told Kevin it was fitting that the first person all day to tell me where I was placement wise would be Horton.
Not long after I came into a primarily BRTR run aid station and Blake told me I was tenth but really tied with a few for tenth. He gave me a PSLC :) and I drank a little mountain dew. I left in a little group, it was Kevin, Rick, the same girl whose name I can't remember, Greg and Marc Griffin a little ways up. I was starting to think about what it would take to get to Long Mountain, the 'half way', in 4:30. I figured I would need to make the reservoir by 3:40.
We were running along and though I was keeping up I knew it was taking more out of me than it should and it didn't feel easy at all. But I was managing. Blake had told us that the Reservoir aid station was further up than usual so I was surprised to see a huge group where that aid station usually is, turns out it was the posse of crews minus the aid station. Todd told me I was looking better than Dancing Creek and that the front girls were falling off. I kind of figured that was him trying to be more motivating. We swapped bottles and left right at 3:40. But then I was worried that 50 minutes wasn't enough time to make it to Long Mountain the way my legs were feeling.
I was very focused and driven but also a little nervous that I was using too much to make the halfway point in 4:30 and maintain the effort to get 9:30 for the day. I played with the math and figured I could slow down a little after long mountain. I started to play with splits for the rest of the day. I climbed slower than I would have liked and had to walk more often than pleased me. I took another GU, I drank my Tailwind. My legs just felt done.
I did the best that I could and made it to our van where Todd and the kids were on the south side of 60 at 4:31. I felt like I could just fall over, I didn't feel like I had another 24 miles in me. I didn't feel like I had 9:30 in me. I actually held onto the van door as Todd got me more GU and swapped bottles. I had a swig of Mountain Dew and Todd sent us on our way.
We left Long Mountain at 4:32, just up ahead was Shannon and Mike P. I called out to my long lost friend Mike P, he said Anna was killing it. He said he was feeling it. Grindstone being it. I tried to run up some of the uphill as I saw Shannon doing as she pulled further and further ahead. Todd had said I was still 11th. I didn't gain on Shannon, instead I started to fade. My hamstrings and calves were done. I was struggling with each step. I felt like I used too much energy on the first half and had been just about average if not slower than usual. I started thinking about how much time I had left in the day. What do I need to run 10 hours? Eleven hours?
I told Kevin I thought I should have eaten something more substantial at Long Mountain. He said I was doing really well. I feared that I was not. That I was coming unglued. The legs felt shot. I would have loved nothing more than to call it quits. I told Kevin my legs felt like I was at mile 80 of a 100 not halfway through a fifty. I felt done.
But I am not a quitter and I knew I could finish. I started to focus on what I knew. I knew that if my legs felt like this at mile 28 that they would feel even worse at Hellgate at mile 50. I needed to continue to push for Hellgate training. I knew I still wanted to feel I gave everything, no regrets. I wanted to feel that I left everything out on the course, and as much as I wanted to just quit I moved forward. Slow but forward. I wasn't going to quit on my goal of 9:30 figuring that would get me as close to my goal even if I missed it. At Buck I filled my bottle up with water to top off the Tailwind in my bottle. I ate half a grilled cheese sandwich. It felt heavy on my stomach but I was also thankful for it. Kathleen Cusick passed me shortly after Buck and I asked her where she had been all day. I was still 11th or 12th. I felt like I was working very hard and not getting any closer to top ten. I told myself that didn't matter, just give it your all, that's all that you can do.
My legs felt heavy but I focused on staying together mentally. As much as I thought about being done I also really wanted 9:30 if I could. I broke down what I needed to get to the loop in and then run the loop in. At Wiggins Spring I got a hug from Jeremiah Clark and took 3 ibuprofen on the climb. I walked nearly every step of the climb to the loop. I was just focused on my legs giving me some relief, but instead my left calf was tightening up more and more.
I had wanted to get to the loop in 5:45 to give me 1:25 in the loop but I didn't have the legs, I felt like the sandwich had complimented the Tailwind nicely and figured that I needed more real food at the loop. There was a female ahead of me, I had played leap frog earlier in the race, I tried to push a little harder to catch her and work on my time to the loop that was not going to be 5:45. I started to see cars and people and that picked me up a little, the loop, while itself is a difficult part of the race, makes for about the biggest pick me up of the day in terms of people and aid. I made it to the loop in about 5:55, I got some welcome hellos and mountain dew. Someone threw me a pierogi and Todd asked me who had passed me because I was still 11th. It was becoming frustrating to hear I was 11th but I just vowed to press on doing the best that I could.
With a pierogi in hand and a new bottle of Tailwind, I headed off into the loop. My legs felt heavy but they had felt heavy for ten miles or more now. The loop is tough, it always weighs me down, I made the decision to run it the absolute best that I could. Still gunning to be out by 7:10 so I could have 2:20 for the last miles to run 9:30. I started off well, that first mile or so is downhill or flat, why haven't I run better here I wondered? But after a mile or so there is more climbing, more technical rocky sections and that's before you turn to the summit to punch your bib at Mount Pleasant.
In the out and back I saw Anna Evans, Tracy Wu and 5 or 6 other females. In that same stretch I saw like 2 men. All day I was just running behind the top ten women and they were all running somewhat close together it seemed in the out and back. On my way back from the summit I felt like there were another ten women in the same stretch. I tried to not let any of that get to me, just push hard. And then my tight left calf started to cramp. I walked some flats and the rain started to fall, a cold rain. I knew it was only going to get harder.
I tried to run the downs in the loop better than I have, I tried to not let the damp, leaf strewn rocks shake my confidence but my legs were heavy and unstable. I kept at doing the best I could. The loop only seems to get harder the further into it you are. But everything must end and finally it did. I got back to the aid station at 7:06! I was thrilled! I had run the loop, to my knowledge the fastest I ever had and made up some time. I was in the aid station only briefly and knew I would have about 2:23 to make 9:30 which finally really felt possible.
I left with Kathleen Cusick and two girls were directly in sight running down the gravel road. I had grabbed three pierogies from Elisa at the aid station and was eating them and trying to stay with Kathleen. Gina Gilbert saw me and cheered, "yay, you're eating!" I had a lot of people tell me as I was leaving that this was my section, that I was going to finish well, that there were girls right ahead of me. Running down the road I told Kevin that I hated racing for a jacket. I want to run and run well, I want to do my best and get a good feeling from the day but I hate racing other girls. But then I couldn't decide if that is really true or I just know how much it takes and it's hard to get into doing it? I still don't really know that answer. I probably don't hate it. But it's hard and Saturday felt harder than usual to get into that top ten.
I ran hard to keep Kathleen in sight, Kevin fell back and would catch up, I would look back but keep moving, I had the finish line on my mind. The rain fell harder and was colder. I wished I had gloves as my hands tingled and swelled. The rain made the running hard feel a little easier. Thankfully the cramps subsided. I passed a female and then shortly before Salt Log Gap I passed Kathleen.
I ran right through at Salt Log Gap but the hill just after brought me to a walk. I could see another male and female up ahead but my tight and aching calves made climbing miserable. I assumed leaving the loop I was still 11th so when I passed that third girl from the loop I assumed I was 8th, I had to keep working to stay ahead now. At the last aid station at the top of the road I filled up on water. I wanted to eat but I couldn't choose anything I wanted so I just left. I gave myself until 9 hours to hit what would have been the final aid station but wasn't going to be there this year.
At this point my legs were dead, but they had long been dead. I was running on the dream of going big and getting the best I possibly could from the day, despite not wanting to admit it to myself I wanted a jacket, but more so I wanted the top ten finish, I wanted a 9:30 because I fought and earned it even if I didn't train hard enough to 'deserve' it. I ate another GU and climbed the best I could, which felt pretty bad a time or two. Several times I wanted so badly to walk a flat or take a break but I just wouldn't let myself.
My calves were shot and yet I was happy to be running as hard as I felt I could possibly go. It was cold and foggy, it was fun in a sick sort of way. I kept telling myself that it didn't matter where I placed or what time it actually said on the clock but to not let up, drain every ounce I could.
I made it to where the last aid station would normally be at 8:38. I had 52 minutes to cover the last section. I told myself that even allowed for some cramping but to not let up until I cramped again so I pushed even harder. It wasn't fast, it was probably fairly slow, but I pushed until my lungs ached and yet my legs continued to carry me. I was thankful. I remembered Megan Stegemiller passing me through here in 2013 and told myself that it isn't over until the finish line. I thought about the summer and how I had been passed at the end of races, I pushed and pushed harder still.
I was so thankful for the turn from Spy Rock down to the fish hatchery to appear, it not only represents the end approaching but also gets steeper and so gravity helped the push even more. In a long straightaway I saw what I thought was a female way ahead. I knew the chances of catching her with a mile to go were unlikely but I thought it would be nice, I don't know that I have ever tried so hard in the 49th mile of any race before. I never gave a PR a thought, I just wanted to finish.
Crossing 56 I saw that it was indeed a female, just ahead of her yet another female or so it looked. The flat took some umpf from me but I didn't give up chase. I liked the new finish, it weaved along a creek and was somewhat a trail. There were two or three slick looking but otherwise fine bridges. Then there was the white tent, I was nearly done, I was so happy.
And then I saw the clock, it read 9:07, not once in the entire day had I given even one fleeting thought towards a PR. It had felt so hard, I had run eleventh or further back all day until after the loop, that I didn't even consider a PR. It was a good day, good for what turned out to be 7th female, a full six minute PR from last year when I had done much more focused training. I finished less than 45 seconds behind 4th place female. Top ten females finished within a half hour of each other all in under 9:20, that's the fastest MMTR for women that I've ever raced. I hadn't looked going in, didn't know if the race would be 'competitive', just figured isn't it always? I didn't want to know who I was racing against because I wasn't racing against anyone, not really. But I did want to place as high up as I could and I can tell you it felt like a very hard day.
I am really very thankful for the day. I got more out of it than I ever expected. I knew I wasn't 'training' through but rather racing undertrained, I knew I would have to call on experience and my well of stubbornness and I did. It was the hardest 50 miler day I think I've ever had, which is good because it is also my PR at the distance. It gave me a little more confidence in the "I can do hard things" department.
It was a good time after like it always is, I enjoy the people, I love watching others finish, I love the bent over walking and the sharing of stories. I love a full calorie coke and warm lined crocs. My eye swelled up right after, it's a thing I don't understand and have been struggling with this summer and fall running, I think it's allergies but it only happens when running. But that couldn't even bring me down like it has been, I was on top of my own little cloud. I don't care what others think of my day, I know I ran to the very edge of my current fitness and that feels pretty darn good.
A big thanks to Todd and the kids for crewing me and to all the people who help to build me up and convince me that there's always more, that we could 'get better' because we are 'not dead yet'.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tB4Avdlz3lk
